11-07-2019, 02:02 AM
I've wrestled to just put the IV out here, I felt like I was teasing last night writing, and I'm seeing it's resistance at its core. As soon as I was ready, part of me holds back, saying "no no no no". Old childish fears are still active, for sure.
It's like I'm for and against sharing this in my gut. Me holding back looks just like old beliefs that would surface when job hunting. I lost my job in 2010 and took almost a year before being hired by someone who actually sought me out. It's all self sabotage--to keep me safe. Pissed my wife off though, yeah. Strained our relationship, for sure.
But I'm starting loops again tonight.
It's like I'm for and against sharing this in my gut. Me holding back looks just like old beliefs that would surface when job hunting. I lost my job in 2010 and took almost a year before being hired by someone who actually sought me out. It's all self sabotage--to keep me safe. Pissed my wife off though, yeah. Strained our relationship, for sure.
But I'm starting loops again tonight.
I want to be FREE!
