Findingme's UMS journal

[Ale]

I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women.  Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is.  I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent. 

I've been hung up on this truth, and I've tried to understand my why in this.  I've begun DMSI twice and jumped off twice.  Something does scare me and I resist.  Why?

Coming into this out-of-work setting was a chance to come out of my boxed in reality of "wake up, go to work, repeat" cycle.  I was in another town too, so I felt freer to be me.  I had time and freedom to be myself, and at my core, I like to help people.

And that's where my internal conflict is with women.  For one, I keep trying to recreate old parent and child relationships since that role worked between me and my mom.   I viewed myself as a perpetual savior for her, which wore on me in time.  And acting like an unconfident child around women has been an increasingly uncomfortable role to slide in to.  My only other frame of relating to women is to be sexually attractive to them.  Those two realities completely conflict with each other, though the latter was being used by me at this dinner.  The root of my conflict was that I was viewing them as someone I'd use for my pleasure, and this violates my standard of wishing to help people.  I was in conflict with myself, so i barely looked at most of the women in their eyes all night.  

I've tried to use black and white approaches with women.  This not only puts me in a box, but them too.  Sitting here thinking on this, my fear of being vulnerable has gotten in my way again and again.  I've been afraid to be "me", which is a conflict as well with who i am.  I'll share pretty easily with men, yet will put on a fear-based facade in an instant around women I find attractive.  That stress is a bitch.

I don't have plans to return to DMSI anytime soon, but I picked it up a year or so back to deal with the "mommy" issues.  This E3 in UMS is changing and challenging beliefs I thought not associated with money.  Hmmm.
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I took a 10 minute coffee break just now since I'd woke up and began writing.  E3 is working on stuff I've never deeply touched with subliminals.  Fear is the main reason I focus on emotional issues, as fear's a liar and knows no differently.  It takes good things, twists them around, and colors them so I avoid them, and I have.  Sex is not my biggest issue.  Fear in and of relationships has been the main issue.   I'm grateful E3 is so comprehensive, for even in money issues, it's huge.  I connected relationships with money goals on Z-man's UMS thread since I've always associated money with relationships.  Money can be security for a woman, and having money or not can help or hinder the relationship.  But, for me, if I avoid any or all relationships, that negates motivation to move forward financially.  

In summary, I'm liking the work UMS is doing on my personal and relational understandings.  If I just focused on money alone, I'd feel empty inside without some purpose for it.  But I know my goals are intertwined with relationships.

Wow, I can really relate to almost everything you just wrote. And I guess from my last posts in my own UMS thread, I'm having a similar effect with the sub, surfacing all my fears and emotions around women, but specifically focused on one.
I'm not sure why but I feel that once I can overcome and heal this stuff, everything will just flow and goals will start to come my way. Hope it's the same for you