11-02-2019, 06:15 PM
E3 is doing something in me. It's showing in me.
To explain what happened tonight, I'm going back to Wednesday when I went to Orlando for the wealthy minds dinner I was invited to. The group consisted of way more budding entrepreneurs, and I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women. Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is. I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent.
But one product was pitched which I could easily use were I selling, and since I sat up front during this pitch, I was asked to volunteer my results. From the description of personality types, I knew I was a nurturer. Nurturer's make connections with people, value relationships and authenticity, and always value people over money. But I struggled internally at first to accept it. I realized on my present job I've steadily dissociated from this since relationships are of low priority in the making money quest they have, despite the words telling us otherwise. I used to rely on these characteristics heavily in teaching and customer service jobs I held, which was why I thrived in these settings.
But I've been distancing myself--from myself--for the last 4 years. People only pick up trash for one reason; it brings in a lot of money. My company focuses heavily on this, though it's rarely stated directly to their employees.
And I did my laundry tonight at my normal laundromat since I wanted to just rest tomorrow. I saw maybe 5 people total the whole time, which is rare. One homeless guy had his stuff in a trashbag, and sat a few feet away from me. I wasn't scared, and I detected that he was. I didn't speak to him but once, I read, and he left finally. Another homeless man came in, slightly older, and I was thinking of the nurturing part of me. I opened up the conversation, and dang, realized this guy must not have had people listen to him in quite a while. It's strange, for I could barely hear him once he began talking, so I just watched his face and emotions and responded likewise. A part of me wanted to care, so I remained open during this time. I still felt open after watching that prison documentary this morning, and I knew this guy had feelings too, so I just listened. It seems he began finding anything to talk about, yet I did realize he was hanging on to a lot of old betrayals himself. He was spitting out stuff from the early 2000's and before, and he often would find accusation of some leader or public official. He seemed to validate his lifestyle. After 20 minutes of this, I finally parted, and I feel sad now. Not because of him though, although he was a catalyst for me. My heart is doing a true thawing today. I'm connecting with a part of me that cares.
And E3 is definitely working in this. I feel it. I'm finding out who I really am again.
To explain what happened tonight, I'm going back to Wednesday when I went to Orlando for the wealthy minds dinner I was invited to. The group consisted of way more budding entrepreneurs, and I was only uncomfortable when thinking of women. Not sure why I'm telling that, but there it is. I didn't trust myself to talk to them, and I felt I viewed almost every one with sex intent.
But one product was pitched which I could easily use were I selling, and since I sat up front during this pitch, I was asked to volunteer my results. From the description of personality types, I knew I was a nurturer. Nurturer's make connections with people, value relationships and authenticity, and always value people over money. But I struggled internally at first to accept it. I realized on my present job I've steadily dissociated from this since relationships are of low priority in the making money quest they have, despite the words telling us otherwise. I used to rely on these characteristics heavily in teaching and customer service jobs I held, which was why I thrived in these settings.
But I've been distancing myself--from myself--for the last 4 years. People only pick up trash for one reason; it brings in a lot of money. My company focuses heavily on this, though it's rarely stated directly to their employees.
And I did my laundry tonight at my normal laundromat since I wanted to just rest tomorrow. I saw maybe 5 people total the whole time, which is rare. One homeless guy had his stuff in a trashbag, and sat a few feet away from me. I wasn't scared, and I detected that he was. I didn't speak to him but once, I read, and he left finally. Another homeless man came in, slightly older, and I was thinking of the nurturing part of me. I opened up the conversation, and dang, realized this guy must not have had people listen to him in quite a while. It's strange, for I could barely hear him once he began talking, so I just watched his face and emotions and responded likewise. A part of me wanted to care, so I remained open during this time. I still felt open after watching that prison documentary this morning, and I knew this guy had feelings too, so I just listened. It seems he began finding anything to talk about, yet I did realize he was hanging on to a lot of old betrayals himself. He was spitting out stuff from the early 2000's and before, and he often would find accusation of some leader or public official. He seemed to validate his lifestyle. After 20 minutes of this, I finally parted, and I feel sad now. Not because of him though, although he was a catalyst for me. My heart is doing a true thawing today. I'm connecting with a part of me that cares.
And E3 is definitely working in this. I feel it. I'm finding out who I really am again.
I want to be FREE!
