10-28-2019, 01:01 PM
Today was different; like I made a decision and stuck with it. UMS must have broken through to something in me, and it was all about personal responsibility. I deliberately focused on being responsible for what I said to people, what I had said in times past, and I was extremely focused on being good to people I encountered. Also--I was in no pity-me mode at all. That is a major change for how I've done things in the past, like I used to think they owed me for approaching them. My expectations must have reeked before.
I first apologized to a coworker for how I felt I'd disrespected him last Friday. I was on the back of a garbage truck in a private neighborhood, it was still dark, and this guy came up right behind us in his truck, yelling stuff I couldn't decipher. I took his loudness as belittling me, and I copped an attitude. I barely spoke to him in the 10 minutes he followed us, but it took 5 minutes or so for me to actually notice he was helping us by jumping out and assisting in our cleanup.
This morning, when I apologized to him, he shared something I actually know is true. He said he wouldn't fuck with me if he didn't like me. He doesn't even talk to people he dislikes. He even repeated it, and our "private" conversation was suddenly listened to by 10 other men (when people talk low, people listen).
He was the only one I did any apology to, but the whole day I was centered on being good and fair to people around me. My desire to mend weakened relationships kept me pretty alert of both my spoken and unspoken messages. I realized it was my responsibility to mend things, and it felt important to me. Something changed over the weekend.
I got tired of creating pain continually. Today's efforts are being felt now, and it's taking some of my tension away; making mistakes and ignoring them has often kept me anxious and fearful of facing them again.
I will add one piece of understanding that came to me midday. Growing up, I was very close and dependent on my brother. When he left home suddenly when I was 12, I used that same thinking in my relationships, though it never went well with others. But surmise it to say that when I got scared, I took no responsibility, for I knew someone else would. It's been tough "expecting" others to take on my responsibilities in life. My ex-wife did, and that's why she's now my ex. It's not how I was designed to live.
Life can be much better. Today really felt good, and I look forward to tomorrow.
I first apologized to a coworker for how I felt I'd disrespected him last Friday. I was on the back of a garbage truck in a private neighborhood, it was still dark, and this guy came up right behind us in his truck, yelling stuff I couldn't decipher. I took his loudness as belittling me, and I copped an attitude. I barely spoke to him in the 10 minutes he followed us, but it took 5 minutes or so for me to actually notice he was helping us by jumping out and assisting in our cleanup.
This morning, when I apologized to him, he shared something I actually know is true. He said he wouldn't fuck with me if he didn't like me. He doesn't even talk to people he dislikes. He even repeated it, and our "private" conversation was suddenly listened to by 10 other men (when people talk low, people listen).
He was the only one I did any apology to, but the whole day I was centered on being good and fair to people around me. My desire to mend weakened relationships kept me pretty alert of both my spoken and unspoken messages. I realized it was my responsibility to mend things, and it felt important to me. Something changed over the weekend.
I got tired of creating pain continually. Today's efforts are being felt now, and it's taking some of my tension away; making mistakes and ignoring them has often kept me anxious and fearful of facing them again.
I will add one piece of understanding that came to me midday. Growing up, I was very close and dependent on my brother. When he left home suddenly when I was 12, I used that same thinking in my relationships, though it never went well with others. But surmise it to say that when I got scared, I took no responsibility, for I knew someone else would. It's been tough "expecting" others to take on my responsibilities in life. My ex-wife did, and that's why she's now my ex. It's not how I was designed to live.
Life can be much better. Today really felt good, and I look forward to tomorrow.
I want to be FREE!
