Findingme's UMS journal

[findingme]

Ahhh. I see. Wow man, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I have faith in you and UMS though!

Thank you for your words EP. I thought of this this morning, and I was pained by looking like I was seeking pity, as it's something I'd done for years, and I ended up just not speaking my thoughts since words can move people. For myself, I realized I was using people to get attention. The focus being "using people". I didn't feel good doing it in times past, and I want to clarify my growing emotional want and awareness using UMS.

I am intentionally on UMS since it has a stronger E3. Before Shannon's subs, I'd feel something real, like sadness, joy, hope, anger, or anything really. However, I often quickly dissociated from that feeling. True emotions (without guidance) scared me since no emotional guidance was available growing up. And as an adult, I mostly felt like a child emotionally. And that connection to my past would create tons of fear (of just the emotions) since I often felt helpless and undeserving growing up. Help wasn't there, so asking for it was perceived as very dangerous.

This happened on a regular basis in young adulthood. I didn't have major lows, but the fear of them kept me dissociating and distracting myself on a daily basis.

UMS's E3 has this more assertive push into the REAL emotions, which had I not done LTU5, they might have spooked me. But enough major fear has been removed that I am much more open and willing--and wanting--to go into them. I'm not terrified like I used to be. I still have fear, but not the full-force, quickly reactive avoidance like I used to experience.

I'm realizing I want to heal. I want to associate myself again with parts I felt I'd thrown away. Parts I don't easily recognize.

For example, in whome's DMSI thread, a question was posed about love replacing fear. Shannon scripted that love would replace fear. Something clicked in me since when I was on E2, I had this wonderful feeling come upon me in my last month on it, though I couldn't recognize it. I remember genuinely smiling a LOT.

Then, in my early days of LTU5, a similar feeling came up, and I actually looked for that feeling. I took a nap at lunchtime one day, and woke up greatly refreshed! By me shutting my mind down (with all my fears), vivid emotional memories flooded back. Thinking on Shannon's words, love had hit me, and I didn't recognize it! I am seeking this now on UMS, though I'm only doing 4 loops presently. I'm on my 3rd week.

Sounds a bit cheesy, but so what. I feel better by loving myself, and I'm going to keep looking for it. Feels way better than fear

So, I'm not sorry I'm feeling sad at times (or any other emotion). The FRM is allowing my emotions to surface, and that is truly living. Sadness and other emotions may seem hard, but now I'm feeling them, facing them, and going through them without all the tentacles of fear. This is beautiful