I'd been running LTU as prescribed for months most of the time. No major issues, either good or bad.
BUT I realized my own self love was seriously missing. I was thinking better (other's perceptions), I felt better about my life (mine and other's perceptions), but I knew a major hole existed. When I was quiet and introspective enough, I felt that inner pain and unhappiness linked to old memories and perceptions of myself. I even stopped writing (maybe good), for I realized I still was angry and expectant of any/everyone to fill that gap in me, and I'd come here angry but being "cordial". I knew something was missing. I still was talking to people with huge shields up.
I'd been on and off the forum, watching some people on UMS (and those previously on LTU5). I was wondering how people were progressing. I've recently enjoyed Shannon's guidance of EP while using UMS, and I read he advised EP to carpet bomb to break through the resistance. Within a day, I decided I was ready for this too.
I began sleeping with LTU looping overnight. I'd just turn it on when I got home and keep it running (on ultrasonic). A little brain tired the first 2 days, but none now, 5 days in.
What I realized initially while doing heavy looping was an anger. I'd not felt anger in ages on this, but I felt it. Something felt wrong in me. One member here shared I was probably mad since I'd "adopted" other people's beliefs of myself, like what they thought was true. YES! This has been true. Even today I was aware of myself around others, as I noticed I'd do almost anything for acceptance, which was dismissing me and who I am. I felt almost angry driving to work imagining doing or saying things with a newer "stay out of my s***" kind of attitude. I've been doing the old attitude for over a year now. However, nothing much happened today, likely since I wasn't reacting to normal hooks I'd be pulled in by.
Also, I almost forgot about this, but I realized a major reason for my anger has been an old die-hard victim mentality. I realized this the 2nd day, remembering my mom whining after making poor choices. My mom passed in July, but her legacy was mostly a learned helplessness. She drank her entire life, and I'm compassionate now knowing intuitively she was trying to keep some trauma buried. I have yet to fully grieve, but some is coming out at unexpected moments.
And I have held this same f***ing victim mentality. By itself, that attitude would make someone drink. I've used coffee instead of alcohol (gotta use something), and LTU is ...... changing me. An invisible reaction (to me) has been evident lately. Specifically, I've been aware these last few days how QUICKLY I turn away from beautiful women. 2 at work I did that to today. And I was at a gas station taking a break, and this simple beautiful young woman walks in at the same time I do, I open the door for her, and.........I felt afraid inside. Like she might get to know me (and hurt me). All sorts of fears actually. She left, but when I was checking out, I noticed her in the store again. I wanted to talk to her. I thought "she's cute, alone, and.........nahhh"
Girls can't fix this, so I'm looping LTU right now. Maybe it's TID from DMSI, but I too have woken up today to women all around me. And I feel attractive. Returning to the fear of a girl knowing me, I realized just moments ago I'm looking for OLD tools to fix this with. They're all intelligent avoidance tactics. I'll keep it running tonight.
@Shannon I will admit I do not have a clear idea of when to stop carpet bombing. I do not have a ratio of days on/days off. May I ask for your suggestion as a template I could follow? Thank you.
BUT I realized my own self love was seriously missing. I was thinking better (other's perceptions), I felt better about my life (mine and other's perceptions), but I knew a major hole existed. When I was quiet and introspective enough, I felt that inner pain and unhappiness linked to old memories and perceptions of myself. I even stopped writing (maybe good), for I realized I still was angry and expectant of any/everyone to fill that gap in me, and I'd come here angry but being "cordial". I knew something was missing. I still was talking to people with huge shields up.
I'd been on and off the forum, watching some people on UMS (and those previously on LTU5). I was wondering how people were progressing. I've recently enjoyed Shannon's guidance of EP while using UMS, and I read he advised EP to carpet bomb to break through the resistance. Within a day, I decided I was ready for this too.
I began sleeping with LTU looping overnight. I'd just turn it on when I got home and keep it running (on ultrasonic). A little brain tired the first 2 days, but none now, 5 days in.
What I realized initially while doing heavy looping was an anger. I'd not felt anger in ages on this, but I felt it. Something felt wrong in me. One member here shared I was probably mad since I'd "adopted" other people's beliefs of myself, like what they thought was true. YES! This has been true. Even today I was aware of myself around others, as I noticed I'd do almost anything for acceptance, which was dismissing me and who I am. I felt almost angry driving to work imagining doing or saying things with a newer "stay out of my s***" kind of attitude. I've been doing the old attitude for over a year now. However, nothing much happened today, likely since I wasn't reacting to normal hooks I'd be pulled in by.
Also, I almost forgot about this, but I realized a major reason for my anger has been an old die-hard victim mentality. I realized this the 2nd day, remembering my mom whining after making poor choices. My mom passed in July, but her legacy was mostly a learned helplessness. She drank her entire life, and I'm compassionate now knowing intuitively she was trying to keep some trauma buried. I have yet to fully grieve, but some is coming out at unexpected moments.
And I have held this same f***ing victim mentality. By itself, that attitude would make someone drink. I've used coffee instead of alcohol (gotta use something), and LTU is ...... changing me. An invisible reaction (to me) has been evident lately. Specifically, I've been aware these last few days how QUICKLY I turn away from beautiful women. 2 at work I did that to today. And I was at a gas station taking a break, and this simple beautiful young woman walks in at the same time I do, I open the door for her, and.........I felt afraid inside. Like she might get to know me (and hurt me). All sorts of fears actually. She left, but when I was checking out, I noticed her in the store again. I wanted to talk to her. I thought "she's cute, alone, and.........nahhh"
Girls can't fix this, so I'm looping LTU right now. Maybe it's TID from DMSI, but I too have woken up today to women all around me. And I feel attractive. Returning to the fear of a girl knowing me, I realized just moments ago I'm looking for OLD tools to fix this with. They're all intelligent avoidance tactics. I'll keep it running tonight.
@Shannon I will admit I do not have a clear idea of when to stop carpet bombing. I do not have a ratio of days on/days off. May I ask for your suggestion as a template I could follow? Thank you.
I want to be FREE!
