Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Just read the last 2 pages of the chapter.  I'd forgot that she had shut down her grieving after being a sober adult and visiting her dad in his last days at the hospital.  She'd really wanted to clear the air, for herself.  She'd always loved his simple gestures and loving words when young, and she was older now.  When she found him attentive and available in the hospital, she asked "Daddy, do you love me?"  His response was painful.  He said "I don't know".  And she hadn't cried when he died a day later.  She got stuck.
I learned she had equated money with love growing up, so she'd excelled professionally to "earn" love.  She'd shut down near his death, but was able to grieve heavily when she lost the money to gambling.  Losing the money was akin to losing the relationship.

For myself, I have equated money with love.  Like I'm making maybe 30k now, and I'm "kind of" lovable.  Maybe, maybe not.  Just my thoughts.  But since I've had such financial gains this year, I've equated giving with  ....... receiving more love.  Yet, at the same time, I've had a fear of being hurt in a relationship.  In other words, I've isolated myself an awful lot from love.  I'm softening on LTU, and I'll just allow it to change me.  

That's what LTU is digging at: my fear of loving and being loved.  And part of this healing is admitting how much I've lost while avoiding such love.