08-17-2019, 07:21 AM
I had a string of things which happened yesterday and the day before, ending in me knowing my roots are being worked on by LTU.
2 nights ago I joined with a trader since I'm needing some capital to move ahead in my crypto deals. Yesterday I watched returns throughout the day on my phone, and wins were consistent.
And yesterday at work, I was doing an old route I began 4 years back. I was on foot a lot, running from stop to stop. This brought up memories.......which I've been trying to move on from. For years back, I was very emotionally dependent on others, and at work I'd had some helpful (but immature) relationships with various drivers. And while working yesterday, I realize now I was drawn to old times and memories, yet my mind was trying to keep me in today. The healthier side is building strength, so I was able to stay in the now much of the time.
Well, with the reality that the trading capital would free up much larger funds I possess, my mind went to orchestrating how I could do this, how and when I'd leave my job, and I began detaching emotionally from my job, again. And this is where it hit me.
When I arrived back at the yard, I noticed I was spending more time with coworkers, not less. I'd talk with someone a few minutes, and I was wanting to talk more, but a part of me began to do my "normal" thing of pulling away. And something vulnerable in me came up when I finally got in my van to leave. I was sad. It felt strangely similar to having been with my brothers while growing up, then leaving. Like I was saying a real "goodbye". I knew the facts of why I was leaving, but my heart didn't know this.
I then went shopping, as I'd planned before, in this same mind-frame. I was melancholy, though attempting some appearance of being motivated and goal focused. No problems in the first store--besides buying more than normal (?). But when I was doing self-checkout in the second store, Walmart, tears came to my eyes. Like I was saying goodbye to something or someone in my mind. I didn't fight the tears, and I wasn't too obvious. I realize now that I wasn't fighting the sadness since I've wanted (or rather, needed) to let this stuff go. I've realized some of the fruits of not growing, and I'd like more life in my life. And it does mean saying goodbye to some old ways of mine, which brings sadness.
A day later, I'm still soft about this. I've been trying to keep my mind busy this morning, and even a minute ago I had a little truth for me pop up. My mind likes to go to familiar places to hide out, and I thought of old TV shows I watched when growing up. It was like my mind said "go there, as you'll have no worries then". Which is why I don't watch TV at all. I have one, and have run it maybe 3 times in the last 6 years or so. I do watch movies online, maybe 2 a month.
If anything, I'm wondering if I need to do something more. .....hmmm......maybe this worrying is me trying to hide from the truths I'm feeling. That sounds true to me.
Let it go, let it go, let it go. Everything's gonna be alright.
2 nights ago I joined with a trader since I'm needing some capital to move ahead in my crypto deals. Yesterday I watched returns throughout the day on my phone, and wins were consistent.
And yesterday at work, I was doing an old route I began 4 years back. I was on foot a lot, running from stop to stop. This brought up memories.......which I've been trying to move on from. For years back, I was very emotionally dependent on others, and at work I'd had some helpful (but immature) relationships with various drivers. And while working yesterday, I realize now I was drawn to old times and memories, yet my mind was trying to keep me in today. The healthier side is building strength, so I was able to stay in the now much of the time.
Well, with the reality that the trading capital would free up much larger funds I possess, my mind went to orchestrating how I could do this, how and when I'd leave my job, and I began detaching emotionally from my job, again. And this is where it hit me.
When I arrived back at the yard, I noticed I was spending more time with coworkers, not less. I'd talk with someone a few minutes, and I was wanting to talk more, but a part of me began to do my "normal" thing of pulling away. And something vulnerable in me came up when I finally got in my van to leave. I was sad. It felt strangely similar to having been with my brothers while growing up, then leaving. Like I was saying a real "goodbye". I knew the facts of why I was leaving, but my heart didn't know this.
I then went shopping, as I'd planned before, in this same mind-frame. I was melancholy, though attempting some appearance of being motivated and goal focused. No problems in the first store--besides buying more than normal (?). But when I was doing self-checkout in the second store, Walmart, tears came to my eyes. Like I was saying goodbye to something or someone in my mind. I didn't fight the tears, and I wasn't too obvious. I realize now that I wasn't fighting the sadness since I've wanted (or rather, needed) to let this stuff go. I've realized some of the fruits of not growing, and I'd like more life in my life. And it does mean saying goodbye to some old ways of mine, which brings sadness.
A day later, I'm still soft about this. I've been trying to keep my mind busy this morning, and even a minute ago I had a little truth for me pop up. My mind likes to go to familiar places to hide out, and I thought of old TV shows I watched when growing up. It was like my mind said "go there, as you'll have no worries then". Which is why I don't watch TV at all. I have one, and have run it maybe 3 times in the last 6 years or so. I do watch movies online, maybe 2 a month.
If anything, I'm wondering if I need to do something more. .....hmmm......maybe this worrying is me trying to hide from the truths I'm feeling. That sounds true to me.
Let it go, let it go, let it go. Everything's gonna be alright.
I want to be FREE!
