08-03-2019, 01:32 AM
I've come here hundreds of times when I was afraid. I'd either spit up fears and feelings, or I'd write about things completely unrelated. I realized that this morning while showering, thinking of writing here. However, I'm a step ahead today, having had different desirable intentions this morning.
This morning I had a fear hit me, and I realized in times past that I'd stop right there. Done. My mind would swim around, and I'd find a quick distraction that would keep me from getting near another fear I felt powerless over. It bred insecurity deep, as I was dancing around in my head constantly...... just avoiding, avoiding......and more avoiding.
I had that fear this morning, it scared me, but I also felt desire to NOT run. And I began crying, for only seconds. It's linked to something bigger. Last night, I began my loops around 4PM, having chose to stay home and listen vs. doing a bunch of non-essential busywork (on a Friday night). I got in bed early too; I'm not sure why. But when I got in bed (my normal hideout) I began crying, just like this morning. It lasted a little longer than this morning. It's like I was admitting to myself I was scared. And accepting it.
Then, maybe 2 hours later (didn't sleep until 9), I had this distinct feeling in my gut. It's like I felt my gut just slightly twisting and fighting while I listened to ultrasonic. I've never had this, but it said something is moving and being challenged in me. Thought I should just share it.
I'm listening to a single loop on my phone now. These fears appear powerful, but I'm not owned by them.
LTU seems to be an emotional slow cooker. Doesn't burn me, doesn't demand constant attention.... no, it just challenges my norms. And like my own crock pot, I've never had a bad meal. And considering I live alone, I'll have 7-10 meals, lasting many weeks. I'll do daily loops though. It works for me
This morning I had a fear hit me, and I realized in times past that I'd stop right there. Done. My mind would swim around, and I'd find a quick distraction that would keep me from getting near another fear I felt powerless over. It bred insecurity deep, as I was dancing around in my head constantly...... just avoiding, avoiding......and more avoiding.
I had that fear this morning, it scared me, but I also felt desire to NOT run. And I began crying, for only seconds. It's linked to something bigger. Last night, I began my loops around 4PM, having chose to stay home and listen vs. doing a bunch of non-essential busywork (on a Friday night). I got in bed early too; I'm not sure why. But when I got in bed (my normal hideout) I began crying, just like this morning. It lasted a little longer than this morning. It's like I was admitting to myself I was scared. And accepting it.
Then, maybe 2 hours later (didn't sleep until 9), I had this distinct feeling in my gut. It's like I felt my gut just slightly twisting and fighting while I listened to ultrasonic. I've never had this, but it said something is moving and being challenged in me. Thought I should just share it.
I'm listening to a single loop on my phone now. These fears appear powerful, but I'm not owned by them.
LTU seems to be an emotional slow cooker. Doesn't burn me, doesn't demand constant attention.... no, it just challenges my norms. And like my own crock pot, I've never had a bad meal. And considering I live alone, I'll have 7-10 meals, lasting many weeks. I'll do daily loops though. It works for me
I want to be FREE!
