07-28-2019, 04:33 PM
I struggled accepting all kinds of feelings today, as my mom's funeral is tomorrow. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin while playing the money game with my friends this afternoon. Well, mostly since one is always holding up masks himself of how his life is. Then, I submitted to staying with the other guy after our game, since he watches a lot of TV being retired, and I watched one episode of an old British comedy, which actually triggered me. I wanted out of there, but was too uncomfortable to say something. It touched a nerve.
The whole focus of the comedy was keeping a lie up. It was frantic, lies were growing, and like (my family), the lies were kept up despite bad consequences for everybody. Halfway through, I commented that this seriously sounded like my family. While the tension grew in the show, it felt like listening to my oldest brother, who tells lies each time he speaks. While driving home, I was tense thinking about seeing both brothers and my sister tomorrow--as the BS agreement in the family is "these lies keep our family together." That's sad, yet true. Thought I'd report this.
I did my loops this morning, but am doing 2 more presently. I'm realizing how I've ostracized my family since these old family rules are in place. My aunt even called me today. Not knowing it was her, I let it go to voicemail. I've not seen or heard from her in 20 years--and I'm realizing......that I'd ostracized her as well, only assuming she's playing the same emotional games. This made me realize how messed up my family is, and how I'm a part of keeping this system in place. I thought I can only tend my own emotional garden.
I must be still lying to myself. I am. I've got to be. This has got to be why I'm STILL uncomfortable. I'll share that I've really held back most of my emotions today, which is born from a fear......that I'll be unloved or abandoned if I show vulnerability around them. I am unsure how I'll handle this, but the Disconnect From Negative Stress sub in LTU kicked in once this weekend for me already, so I know it'll be there if I need it. Will see.
The whole focus of the comedy was keeping a lie up. It was frantic, lies were growing, and like (my family), the lies were kept up despite bad consequences for everybody. Halfway through, I commented that this seriously sounded like my family. While the tension grew in the show, it felt like listening to my oldest brother, who tells lies each time he speaks. While driving home, I was tense thinking about seeing both brothers and my sister tomorrow--as the BS agreement in the family is "these lies keep our family together." That's sad, yet true. Thought I'd report this.
I did my loops this morning, but am doing 2 more presently. I'm realizing how I've ostracized my family since these old family rules are in place. My aunt even called me today. Not knowing it was her, I let it go to voicemail. I've not seen or heard from her in 20 years--and I'm realizing......that I'd ostracized her as well, only assuming she's playing the same emotional games. This made me realize how messed up my family is, and how I'm a part of keeping this system in place. I thought I can only tend my own emotional garden.
I must be still lying to myself. I am. I've got to be. This has got to be why I'm STILL uncomfortable. I'll share that I've really held back most of my emotions today, which is born from a fear......that I'll be unloved or abandoned if I show vulnerability around them. I am unsure how I'll handle this, but the Disconnect From Negative Stress sub in LTU kicked in once this weekend for me already, so I know it'll be there if I need it. Will see.
I want to be FREE!
