Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

I've been facing major resistance, as I've been off LTU a few days now.  When I'd last run LTU, I ran some loops on my phone at work, and I was increasingly tight-chested, with a physical tightness in my head.  I tried running loops that night, but a pain in my head (I never get headaches) showed up, so I stopped loops.  I'd been doing too much and not processing it.

I'll share other stuff, as I often hide this.

I had been thinking of the first hypnotic subliminal I purchased years back, as I never felt stressed on it.  I've been using it two days, but....I still felt unhappy, unloved, etc.  I was running off these emotions these last 2 days, even this morning.  

This morning, seeing and feeling this growing fear and off-handed reactions increasing from me, I tried to be honest with myself.  I was afraid of feeling owned and used by another.  An old childhood fear came up, mirroring my present reaction.  The memory (I think) had to do with me feeling powerless and helpless over my Mom (emotionally and financially)--and I've not felt or seen that in my mind for years.  But my brother was always right next to me.  So whether it's from the sexual abuse or the financial helplessness I experienced when younger, I'm not sure.

I'm running LTU hybrid loops now since ....... I realized this morning that a key nerve has been struck.   Earlier this morning I compared people running from DMSI since it hit the "scary as shit" feelings.  I have run from LTU a few times.  I'm feeling anxiety running loops now.  My want is for instant gratification.........I won't say more.

I can say all day how I want healing, and I have.  This stuff is scaring the shit out of me though.  I feel .....between sheer terror and peace and feeling safe.  

I'm realizing I've had this wall around my heart, and my belief has been "if I allow you in, I can't have boundaries."  That's where I'm at currently.

I'll keep my loops on today.