Facing fears I've dodged for years.
I just went for a long walk. I'd gone for sun, but it's cloudy out. Near the end I realized that all my life I've tried to put myself in a bubble, separating myself from daily concerns. I didn't have a plan, just a continuous goal.
For example, one thing I've been afraid of for years is learning how to be a man around men. Sitting here, I realize I expected Mom to show me how to shine as a man someday. It's childish thinking, but that desire has remained. It was made while I was a child. It never happened. So I turned to men. Yet a real part of me pops out around men, a little boy, and I've desired men to father me in some way.
I saw many work trucks coming and going in my neighborhood. City workers have a small base nearby, and I looked for one guy who I know works with them. I also realized I was looking for looks from men that said "yeah, you're a man", that I was masculine. I realize I've been afraid of that all my life, as I picked up the message when I was young that men were cowards. I thought being a man meant hurting others. The men in my life have all been hurt men hurting others. Which connects why I've avoided it. Why I've avoided my own growth.
I'm wanting to grow. My roadblock over the years has been past pain I felt powerless over. But THAT's not so intimidating anymore. I'm flipping grateful I'm on LTU, picking out piece by piece old problems of my past. It has power, and it instills hope. I'm moving forward.
I just went for a long walk. I'd gone for sun, but it's cloudy out. Near the end I realized that all my life I've tried to put myself in a bubble, separating myself from daily concerns. I didn't have a plan, just a continuous goal.
For example, one thing I've been afraid of for years is learning how to be a man around men. Sitting here, I realize I expected Mom to show me how to shine as a man someday. It's childish thinking, but that desire has remained. It was made while I was a child. It never happened. So I turned to men. Yet a real part of me pops out around men, a little boy, and I've desired men to father me in some way.
I saw many work trucks coming and going in my neighborhood. City workers have a small base nearby, and I looked for one guy who I know works with them. I also realized I was looking for looks from men that said "yeah, you're a man", that I was masculine. I realize I've been afraid of that all my life, as I picked up the message when I was young that men were cowards. I thought being a man meant hurting others. The men in my life have all been hurt men hurting others. Which connects why I've avoided it. Why I've avoided my own growth.
I'm wanting to grow. My roadblock over the years has been past pain I felt powerless over. But THAT's not so intimidating anymore. I'm flipping grateful I'm on LTU, picking out piece by piece old problems of my past. It has power, and it instills hope. I'm moving forward.
I want to be FREE!
