07-18-2019, 09:17 AM
Yesterday was a Very Bad Day ™. I tried to force the program to be finished regardless, but in the end, on the last step, I found myself blocked. Because of what went wrong, more things went wrong, and it snowballed. GF tried to make things better, but I was depressed to the point that nothing she did helped.
Woke up late today (because we got to bed late last night) and was even more depressed. Then I got to thinking about it. Yesterday in an attempt to regulate my mood, I listened to a loop, but it got interrupted. Then I tried again a bit later, and it got interrupted. Then I played a loop when we went to bed.
What if this depression is E3 digging up something I have blocking me at a very fundamental level, I wondered. I got to thinking about that and then slowly up from my subconscious comes this communication from my 2 year old self. He was showing me that Mom was his security, and mom was associated with poverty. The only introduction he had to "wealth" was when my mother got drunk and wandered into a much nicer house with the front door unlocked, and got arrested for it because she thought it was her house when the owners came home and argued with them over it. His association with "wealth", as he understood it, was this deep wound that this experience caused. Unlimited feelings of fear, insecurity and instability. My 2 year old self concluded that "poverty = security, and wealth = scary"! And my depression was his way of expressing discomfort in being pushed to experience wealth anyway.
Once I understood that it didn't take me long to make some changes. I imagined myself holding my 2 year old self in my arms and showing him a palatial mansion that I owned, and explaining to him that I was him, and that because I was him, I would never leave him and I would always be there for him and with him, and always keep him safe because his best interests are my best interests. And that we can enjoy wealth without losing security because poverty isn't security, and wealth isn't what he thought it was. That wealth gives us the ability to be more secure, and have more of the stability he wants.
Once I did that, the depression started lifting. This poor little guy inside me has been locked in a constant cycle of fear because his understanding was that "mom = security", but mom was an active alcoholic at the time, and was at the same time the source of my experiences of lack of security! This part of me has been trying to hold onto the only source of security it knew, which was the main source of INsecurity at the same time!
Now I believe I have communicated that I will be taking over for mom in taking care of him, and providing us with security, and I am feeling better. There is still a little depression, but wow... what a revelation! I think that was the main thing holding me back from achieving unlimited wealth.
Hopefully now I will be able to finish USLM 4.1.
Woke up late today (because we got to bed late last night) and was even more depressed. Then I got to thinking about it. Yesterday in an attempt to regulate my mood, I listened to a loop, but it got interrupted. Then I tried again a bit later, and it got interrupted. Then I played a loop when we went to bed.
What if this depression is E3 digging up something I have blocking me at a very fundamental level, I wondered. I got to thinking about that and then slowly up from my subconscious comes this communication from my 2 year old self. He was showing me that Mom was his security, and mom was associated with poverty. The only introduction he had to "wealth" was when my mother got drunk and wandered into a much nicer house with the front door unlocked, and got arrested for it because she thought it was her house when the owners came home and argued with them over it. His association with "wealth", as he understood it, was this deep wound that this experience caused. Unlimited feelings of fear, insecurity and instability. My 2 year old self concluded that "poverty = security, and wealth = scary"! And my depression was his way of expressing discomfort in being pushed to experience wealth anyway.
Once I understood that it didn't take me long to make some changes. I imagined myself holding my 2 year old self in my arms and showing him a palatial mansion that I owned, and explaining to him that I was him, and that because I was him, I would never leave him and I would always be there for him and with him, and always keep him safe because his best interests are my best interests. And that we can enjoy wealth without losing security because poverty isn't security, and wealth isn't what he thought it was. That wealth gives us the ability to be more secure, and have more of the stability he wants.
Once I did that, the depression started lifting. This poor little guy inside me has been locked in a constant cycle of fear because his understanding was that "mom = security", but mom was an active alcoholic at the time, and was at the same time the source of my experiences of lack of security! This part of me has been trying to hold onto the only source of security it knew, which was the main source of INsecurity at the same time!
Now I believe I have communicated that I will be taking over for mom in taking care of him, and providing us with security, and I am feeling better. There is still a little depression, but wow... what a revelation! I think that was the main thing holding me back from achieving unlimited wealth.
Hopefully now I will be able to finish USLM 4.1.
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
