E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I pulled this from Greenduck's thread.

I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario. I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this. Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.

E2 is one of the easiest (not fastest) ways to come out of and THROUGH this self hatred.  No kidding.

EP, do you want to fight for the right to destroy yourself?  

Or do you want something, like new thinking, which will bring much better, and even happier, returns?  

Every single one of us has doubted we'd arrive at our desired destination, even using subliminals.  I realized while using many of Shannon's subs that  I was actively working the opposite way.  I didn't often share about it, for I'd done that for years in many settings.  People got tired of it, and my support faded.  The bold ones said "what do you WANT?!  When you're tired of the results you're getting doing it your way, then turn around and go for that.  You won't be alone then!"

I back that thinking now, for 2 reasons.  First, it's the truth.  I never found peace running from the truth.  And secondly, I began to feel the pain I was putting myself through.  I didn't know how to love myself, and I was afraid of this reality, as I'd mixed other pain-inducing beliefs into it.  

E2 was the second sub I bought.  And I skipped over it for almost a year.  When I finally stayed on it, healing (meaning some internal pain) came about.  I was SO active in self sabotaging myself that I was doubtful of my ability to stay on it for 90 days.  Running the ultrasonic day and night is the only way I got through it.  

You can too.  Your story and pain is not uncommon here.  There is hope.  Look for it, and you'll find it.  If you keep your eyes on your mistakes, you'll find them too.  It's a practice I am still learning.  

And lastly: there is value in every single mistake you've ever made.  PTPA kicked in while on E2, highlighting that.   I encourage you strongly: HANG ON!!  The ride is WORTH it!  You are worth it!

I just re-read these words. Thanks, Findingme, for your support and encouragement. I realize I too am very active in this process of pain and suffering I put myself through. There are probably some false beliefs that need to change, but I either don't know what they are or don't know how to change them. Hopefully with the help of Shannon's subliminals, that will change. Thank you for your support and thanks to everyone else (Greenduck, THolt, Benjamin, etc.) for your support as well.