05-27-2019, 06:54 AM
Day 57:
I keep fantasizing about reconciling with my friend. Last night, I got high and fantasized about us reconciling and me talking to her and her getting judgmental about somebody at their lowest, which she used to do but I was always too enamored with her to realize how negative a thing this is about her. And at first, I imagined telling her that, but then I started imagining telling her how those people at their lowest are worthy of love and compassion and how you don't know what it's like to truly love someone until you've loved them at their lowest, because it's easy to love somebody at their best. I imagined telling her that there is a whole new level of love you experience loving people at their lowest, and defending the person she's judging and saying I love that person just as they are, flaws and all and even flawed as they are, they are worthy of our love and respect. It then became easier to feel this way about myself.
I still miss my friend though, and fantasize about not just reconciling, but also I have fantasies about us reconciling and falling in love with each other. I feel this great release in these fantasies, like I imagine us being truly connected and just forgetting all the drama and truly loving each other. These fantasies make me feel better, but I also realize they're just fantasies. Problem is, during these fantasies is the only time I feel good.
I know I need to get my sense of validation and love purely from myself, but I still can't help but rely on these fantasies to feel the love and happiness I want in my life.
I keep fantasizing about reconciling with my friend. Last night, I got high and fantasized about us reconciling and me talking to her and her getting judgmental about somebody at their lowest, which she used to do but I was always too enamored with her to realize how negative a thing this is about her. And at first, I imagined telling her that, but then I started imagining telling her how those people at their lowest are worthy of love and compassion and how you don't know what it's like to truly love someone until you've loved them at their lowest, because it's easy to love somebody at their best. I imagined telling her that there is a whole new level of love you experience loving people at their lowest, and defending the person she's judging and saying I love that person just as they are, flaws and all and even flawed as they are, they are worthy of our love and respect. It then became easier to feel this way about myself.
I still miss my friend though, and fantasize about not just reconciling, but also I have fantasies about us reconciling and falling in love with each other. I feel this great release in these fantasies, like I imagine us being truly connected and just forgetting all the drama and truly loving each other. These fantasies make me feel better, but I also realize they're just fantasies. Problem is, during these fantasies is the only time I feel good.
I know I need to get my sense of validation and love purely from myself, but I still can't help but rely on these fantasies to feel the love and happiness I want in my life.
