E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Greenduck. We can only afford who insurance will cover, so that lowered my options considerably. The therapist I have now is the best I can get. I feel so low and so useless right now. I wish I were somebody else. I dunno if E2 has been doing anything. I dunno if it can. And i don't know how I'm going to get over not just the friendship breakup, but all the pain that came from everything I experienced before it. I'm so ashamed of myself. And yet, after everything I've been through, I feel a lot more compassion for people who are at their lowest. I'm at my lowest. And I don't know how I'll ever rise back up from the place I'm at. I wouldn't wish the pain I'm enduring on my worst enemy. What makes it worse is that a piece of me feels like my friend has judged me u fairly. Like she doesn't know what it feels like to be this low and she doesn't know what it's like to have NOBODY. She had a fiancee and a really giod therapist when she was at her lowest. She doesn't know what its like to be this low with NOBODY who can help you. It feels so painfully unfair. And I wish she understood. But I u understand why she did what she did, because I gave her so many good reasons. I just wish she would have found it in her heart to accept my apologies and work things out with me. She has NO IDEA what it's like to be in the place I'm at. She's been through a jarsh friendship breakuo before, but her circumstances were different. Or maybe her shitty perception of me is spot on and she has every good reason in the world to incompassionately look down on me. That thought hurts the most I think. I am so far from the man I wish I were. And my self image is in the trash. I dunno how E3 or even LTU5 are going ro help me through this. I dunno if they'll be enough. But they're my only hope. What really kills me is, even if I used the becomi g method and got my friend back, would it change anything about how I'm feeling? I don't think it would. I just feel so low. I'm lower than I've ever been.