05-24-2019, 05:13 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-24-2019, 05:33 AM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
I look at the stuff on my daily "To-do" list that I don't do, and I think about why I don't do it. I've been "taking it easy" on myself, until I "get better" because I've been in such a low place... but now I'm thinking maybe that's just an excuse to be lazy. I dunno. There are honestly some days where it feels hard to just get out of bed and stand to be conscious, because I feel so low and then when I AM awake, I rely on drugs and distraction to tolerate it. But on other days, I feel okay and I possibly COULD do something, but I just don't. Today, it's like I just had this realization that I need to take my reliance on external validation and sacrifice it for my own higher good, but even after that realization, I find myself having flashbacks to the past or something similarly demoralizing in my head, and saying "I hate myself" only to get my mind off of it and go back to just doing nothing. These only last in short seconds-long bursts, but I'm otherwise feeling okay, yet I still find myself just kind of mindlessly distracting myself instead of doing anything productive. Then again, it IS early in the morning. Maybe I can start doing some stuff, slowly but surely today, like practice some Japanese or go back to Meditation Walking.
