05-23-2019, 08:06 AM
(05-23-2019, 07:53 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Day 53:
I notice I have a tendency to post about my issues on either this forum or another one and then look for replies. I dunno why I do this. I guess because I feel safer talking about these issues on these online forums than I do with friends and family, who don't really listen or can't understand or empathize. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, but I realize that I just keep saying the same stuff over and over on these forums, running laps in the same circles. I edit it out now. I don't really know what to say. A piece of me feels like I need to update just to report and record progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. And maybe that's not true. Maybe due to the naturalizer, I AM making progress and just don't notice it. I dunno. But so far, the pattern of ruminating on the past and fantasizing about the future are still the norm. Actually, fantasizing about the future isn't so bad, but I fantasize about confronting the past in the future. Confronting it with the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself I've changed and I deserve to be judged for who I am, not who I was, but I judge myself for my past still. It'll probably take a while before I can move forward.
Man I did the same thing as you before. You are searching for an answer outside of yourself. You need to face yourself, that's the only way. There are no shortcuts. Life is tough and you can't hide from it. There are people who will support you but a big part of it you will have to figure out on your own. And even if you don't feel you have the strength to do so, you have the capacity to do it, bit by bit. I can really recommend meditation to learn to be present with whatever is there right now, or yoga. Ground yourself, exercise, take small risks and move forward a bit every day and you will get the hang of it and create a momentum in yourself and in your life. When you are stagnant you forget how it feels when you can move your life forward in a direction, and staying stagnant will not get you anywhere, but moving into the uncomfortable and challenge yourself will. You are just as good as anyone out there, and when you put yourself out there more, you will notice this.
