05-23-2019, 07:53 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-23-2019, 08:00 AM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Day 53:
I notice I have a tendency to post about my issues on either this forum or another one and then look for replies. I dunno why I do this. I guess because I feel safer talking about these issues on these online forums than I do with friends and family, who don't really listen or can't understand or empathize. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, but I realize that I just keep saying the same stuff over and over on these forums, running laps in the same circles. I edit it out now. I don't really know what to say. A piece of me feels like I need to update just to report and record progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. And maybe that's not true. Maybe due to the naturalizer, I AM making progress and just don't notice it. I dunno. But so far, the pattern of ruminating on the past and fantasizing about the future are still the norm. Actually, fantasizing about the future isn't so bad, but I fantasize about confronting the past in the future. Confronting it with the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself I've changed and I deserve to be judged for who I am, not who I was, but I judge myself for my past still. It'll probably take a while before I can move forward.
I notice I have a tendency to post about my issues on either this forum or another one and then look for replies. I dunno why I do this. I guess because I feel safer talking about these issues on these online forums than I do with friends and family, who don't really listen or can't understand or empathize. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, but I realize that I just keep saying the same stuff over and over on these forums, running laps in the same circles. I edit it out now. I don't really know what to say. A piece of me feels like I need to update just to report and record progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. And maybe that's not true. Maybe due to the naturalizer, I AM making progress and just don't notice it. I dunno. But so far, the pattern of ruminating on the past and fantasizing about the future are still the norm. Actually, fantasizing about the future isn't so bad, but I fantasize about confronting the past in the future. Confronting it with the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself I've changed and I deserve to be judged for who I am, not who I was, but I judge myself for my past still. It'll probably take a while before I can move forward.
