05-19-2019, 06:46 AM
I'm facing, even now, the tug of war that I want/don't want/want/don't want to lie to make myself look good.
Like I keep trying to hide the collection of thoughts/feelings that is me. Me feeling insecure and scared doing what everyone does to handle life.
I know I'm looking at everyday escapes I've used, the little moment-by-moment ones, and I'm trying to be honest with myself. Maybe I'm trying to let go of some.
For me, the running away from the truth right in front of me is one thing: self sabotage. For example, if I clean (my kitchen sink) up here, I can relax. BUT....a fear of feeling successful rises, part of me seeks an escape from that fear, and it's a big or little distraction to avoid both the task AND the feelings of failing to achieve the goal. The resulting feelings are most of what I'll spend my mental energies escaping from, and it turns 15 minutes of life into a quickly organized cluster****. The feelings rarely leave so soon though, and the little task avoided metastasizes into "I'm not successful at all. Life sucks. I don't want ANYONE to see me and my truth.......and my bed is safe, so I'll hide there".
That sounds like most of my time home alone :/ No wonder I don't read my books, for doing that, to me, is seeking success. I always read my nutritional books to help others. I rationalize not doing it with "help yourself, then help someone else".
Part of me smells BS in that last paragraph. It came from my head, not my heart, and my thoughts presently try to show a front. I'll leave it for now.
My feelings say more truth than my thoughts. It's just a lot of times they're uncomfortable. As I'm sitting here, I'm trying to find and feel my truth.
I'm feeling something. Three paragraphs up I wrote, ignoring my feelings, seeking to lie to myself to show success to you, the readers. These are old connections and memories, and old beliefs about success were "I have to be wrong (lie to myself) to be successful". It NEVER, NEVER made me feel good, so I lowered my vision to feel ok with myself. I like and liked the common man mowing lawns for a living, the laborers who truly worked. Maybe that's why I've made peace working in the garbage industry, knowing I was one of them. An honest man.
Wow. Just as I finished that last sentence, old lies came back. I'm having these old images pop up, and I've not had them pop up in 20 years. My old beliefs I built my life around. Fear and lies were there too, holding me back from succeeding and feeling good about myself. Fear hid itself everyday, yet it was a major influencer in my decisions. The fear told me "you'll be safe if you hide", so I have. This is my truth, then and now.
________________________________________________________
This morning, I thought of reporting something, and it's connected to what i just wrote. 2ce last night I got up to use the bathroom, and both times, I had this imagination that someone/something was in my room.
And here's what I'm seeing now. This fear was much, much smaller than in years past, even where 8 hours later I'm seeing the images in my mind, but I'm not owned by fear. Like, the fear (or whatever it once called itself) is present, but all the energy it once had I'm not feeling. I even did a doubletake last night. This must be E3 working, as it's like an unemotional movie now. Thank you thank you thank you.
Like I keep trying to hide the collection of thoughts/feelings that is me. Me feeling insecure and scared doing what everyone does to handle life.
I know I'm looking at everyday escapes I've used, the little moment-by-moment ones, and I'm trying to be honest with myself. Maybe I'm trying to let go of some.
For me, the running away from the truth right in front of me is one thing: self sabotage. For example, if I clean (my kitchen sink) up here, I can relax. BUT....a fear of feeling successful rises, part of me seeks an escape from that fear, and it's a big or little distraction to avoid both the task AND the feelings of failing to achieve the goal. The resulting feelings are most of what I'll spend my mental energies escaping from, and it turns 15 minutes of life into a quickly organized cluster****. The feelings rarely leave so soon though, and the little task avoided metastasizes into "I'm not successful at all. Life sucks. I don't want ANYONE to see me and my truth.......and my bed is safe, so I'll hide there".
That sounds like most of my time home alone :/ No wonder I don't read my books, for doing that, to me, is seeking success. I always read my nutritional books to help others. I rationalize not doing it with "help yourself, then help someone else".
Part of me smells BS in that last paragraph. It came from my head, not my heart, and my thoughts presently try to show a front. I'll leave it for now.
My feelings say more truth than my thoughts. It's just a lot of times they're uncomfortable. As I'm sitting here, I'm trying to find and feel my truth.
I'm feeling something. Three paragraphs up I wrote, ignoring my feelings, seeking to lie to myself to show success to you, the readers. These are old connections and memories, and old beliefs about success were "I have to be wrong (lie to myself) to be successful". It NEVER, NEVER made me feel good, so I lowered my vision to feel ok with myself. I like and liked the common man mowing lawns for a living, the laborers who truly worked. Maybe that's why I've made peace working in the garbage industry, knowing I was one of them. An honest man.
Wow. Just as I finished that last sentence, old lies came back. I'm having these old images pop up, and I've not had them pop up in 20 years. My old beliefs I built my life around. Fear and lies were there too, holding me back from succeeding and feeling good about myself. Fear hid itself everyday, yet it was a major influencer in my decisions. The fear told me "you'll be safe if you hide", so I have. This is my truth, then and now.
________________________________________________________
This morning, I thought of reporting something, and it's connected to what i just wrote. 2ce last night I got up to use the bathroom, and both times, I had this imagination that someone/something was in my room.
And here's what I'm seeing now. This fear was much, much smaller than in years past, even where 8 hours later I'm seeing the images in my mind, but I'm not owned by fear. Like, the fear (or whatever it once called itself) is present, but all the energy it once had I'm not feeling. I even did a doubletake last night. This must be E3 working, as it's like an unemotional movie now. Thank you thank you thank you.
I want to be FREE!
