05-15-2019, 01:15 AM
Thought I should share something.
I realized, this morning, that thinking over my reply to Infinite, I felt scared inside. In times past, I have been cold to women who've replied to me. The reason? I was scared, thinking I "should" say the perfect thing back.
While thinking on this this morning, I felt an old part of me wake up. I felt it on my solo UD run, and it was the need to be honest, which is why I'm writing now.
I've felt completely undesirable or capable around women, as my mom isn't a rich talker at all. Me and my ex were on different pages most of the time, and being honest now, I've dated maybe 6 women my whole life. All but my wife were very short term.
I've always tried to hide that from women, thinking it'd be a welcome for pity. My self esteem quickly plummets when around women who might actually want to get to know me, which is why I don't go "out" much. I tend to be very hard on myself when I'm in those atmospheres. It's a pressure cooker for me.
Also, and maybe it's an excuse, I'm thinking of an IG post I read this week from someone who said dating in 2019 is horrible. He quickly named reasons why, and dishonesty is at the top. In recent weeks, I've imagined talking to an imagined woman to get to know her, and all I knew were making impressions, not being real.
That's what I wanted to share. UD, and maybe SE too, are working on me now. Starting loops again tonight.
I realized, this morning, that thinking over my reply to Infinite, I felt scared inside. In times past, I have been cold to women who've replied to me. The reason? I was scared, thinking I "should" say the perfect thing back.
While thinking on this this morning, I felt an old part of me wake up. I felt it on my solo UD run, and it was the need to be honest, which is why I'm writing now.
I've felt completely undesirable or capable around women, as my mom isn't a rich talker at all. Me and my ex were on different pages most of the time, and being honest now, I've dated maybe 6 women my whole life. All but my wife were very short term.
I've always tried to hide that from women, thinking it'd be a welcome for pity. My self esteem quickly plummets when around women who might actually want to get to know me, which is why I don't go "out" much. I tend to be very hard on myself when I'm in those atmospheres. It's a pressure cooker for me.
Also, and maybe it's an excuse, I'm thinking of an IG post I read this week from someone who said dating in 2019 is horrible. He quickly named reasons why, and dishonesty is at the top. In recent weeks, I've imagined talking to an imagined woman to get to know her, and all I knew were making impressions, not being real.
That's what I wanted to share. UD, and maybe SE too, are working on me now. Starting loops again tonight.
I want to be FREE!
