05-14-2019, 09:17 AM
Day 45: I am in hell. That's the only way I know how to describe what I'm feeling. I want out, but there's no escape. I can't stop judging myself. I can't escape my inner judge. I can't forgive myself. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the ugliness it's going to bring out of me. I can only be like this for so long before I start to resent everyone and everything. And then I'll just get uglier, and have more to hate myself for. And the sad truth is, no matter how much love and support I get, it's like none of it ever reaches me. I won't let it reach me, because I don't feel I deserve it. Nobody has condemned me to hell but me. I punish myself for making irreparable mistakes. It's like I'm pleading with my own inner judge to let me out, and he's saying "No. This is where you deserve to be, you ugly piece of shit"
I look at a picture I have on my wall that I drew a while back. It's a picture of a guy who just had the shit kicked out of him and he's broken and bleeding, but he's getting up. It's entitled "Never Stay Down" It's based on my childhood where bullies would beat me to the ground and I would make a point of getting back up no matter how much they beat me down. For the first time in my life, I feel like STAYING down. I feel like just lying there, broken and defeated and just staying down.
...but I won't.
I look at a picture I have on my wall that I drew a while back. It's a picture of a guy who just had the shit kicked out of him and he's broken and bleeding, but he's getting up. It's entitled "Never Stay Down" It's based on my childhood where bullies would beat me to the ground and I would make a point of getting back up no matter how much they beat me down. For the first time in my life, I feel like STAYING down. I feel like just lying there, broken and defeated and just staying down.
...but I won't.
