05-12-2019, 02:30 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-12-2019, 02:31 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Day 43:
I don't want to be conscious right now. Truth is, I NEVER want to be conscious, but I'm running low on the motivation to get up and try to be my best self anyway. I feel like giving up. I feel like just saying "fuck it" and not even trying anymore. Every day is a battle not to just cave in to depression. I realize part of the reason I spend so much time on the computer or in bed is because I'm trying to distract myself from these feelings I have. And I just can't escape them anymore. I feel like a total failure. I feel like a worthless nobody not worth loving or being friends with or making the effort for. I can barely muster up the energy to finish typing this. Hell, it took a while just to get up and go take a leak with my bladder full. I'm just so demoralized and depressed right now... I feel like nothing's worth the effort. I feel like it makes no difference. I feel like all hope is lost. I feel like I'll never be worthy. I hate myself. I hate my higher self. I hate the universe. I hate my ex friend. I hate her husband. I hate... life. I am at my lowest point. And I don't know if I'll ever recover.
I don't want to be conscious right now. Truth is, I NEVER want to be conscious, but I'm running low on the motivation to get up and try to be my best self anyway. I feel like giving up. I feel like just saying "fuck it" and not even trying anymore. Every day is a battle not to just cave in to depression. I realize part of the reason I spend so much time on the computer or in bed is because I'm trying to distract myself from these feelings I have. And I just can't escape them anymore. I feel like a total failure. I feel like a worthless nobody not worth loving or being friends with or making the effort for. I can barely muster up the energy to finish typing this. Hell, it took a while just to get up and go take a leak with my bladder full. I'm just so demoralized and depressed right now... I feel like nothing's worth the effort. I feel like it makes no difference. I feel like all hope is lost. I feel like I'll never be worthy. I hate myself. I hate my higher self. I hate the universe. I hate my ex friend. I hate her husband. I hate... life. I am at my lowest point. And I don't know if I'll ever recover.
