05-12-2019, 01:06 PM
(05-12-2019, 05:57 AM)findingme Wrote: Thanks Ben. Sometimes when I write, I get in a safe spot with myself, and I actually am asking myself those questions. I didn't clarify it to readers once posted, so thanks for the feedback. I've stayed with US. And that's why I'm writing this morning.
I've been using US only since just a few days ago, and I've felt new changes and desires in me. Last night, I got a text from my brother asking if I'd be over to my mom's for Mother's Day. I replied "no". The ****** replied 10 minutes later with a guilting and shaming violence threatening message, which is his normal. I deleted that message and shortly after, all past texts of his on my phone.
Throughout yesterday, before the incident above, I'd had imaginations of him knocking on my door, coming to insist on my obedience to his violence threatening messages. I imagined having cops take him away.
And after receiving his text, an extreme anger was building in me. Who the F does he think he is?
BUT.......me owning my part in this, is that he's someone I allowed to scare me. I did it to keep the relationship. I've given him a lot of authority so I'd not feel abandoned. But in time, he's become someone who's bullied anyone who'd allow it. This is something I can change, and my fear is slowly dropping. I allowed this, fearfully and consistently. Also, the anger I felt was not pure, but richly mixed with a sadness, as it told me that this relationship has been an anchor in my life. I'm seeing myself above this vessel, I'm not even on the same ship anymore, and I'm bigger and bolder,. I do feel the slight pull from this anchor, and it's felt sad and painful to myself letting it go. (Listening to a song on YT with the words "I will Rise"). In other words, I've hung on to this sick relationship.
I'm not going to my mom's today. I'm running my LTU loops now, as I notice urges and changes in my waking mind. Freedom used to be linked with fear. It made the ideas of emotional freedom and spontaneity fear producing. That old reality isn't sitting well at all.
I'm looking for what specifically needs changing in my life. I will rise triumphantly and, in time, peacefully.
Great for you that you're not taking any shit from your family anymore! I'm glad for you man!
