05-11-2019, 09:58 PM
I hate myself. I wasn't good enough for my friend, I'm not good enough for the women I want in my life, I'm not good enough to have what I want, I'm just not good enough and I feel like I have no chance of ever becoming the man I want to become and having the life I want to have. No matter how much inner work I do with these subs, I feel like I'll never become the man I want to be, live the life I want to live, get the women I want to get or experience the life I want to experience. I want to commit suicide, but that would be pointless because I believe that if I do, I'll just have to reincarnate with the same problems. I want to blame god and be angry at god, but I believe we are all god, experiencing the illusion of separation, so I'd really just be getting mad at myself. Why would I program my life this way? Why would I want to put myself through this? I hate what I am, and I'm running out of hope to ever become what I dream of becoming. I've suffered so much and had to face such painful experiences... For what? What good came out of them? I'm so angry. I hate the world. I hate the universe. I hate the cosmos. I hate god. I hate the fundamental structure of reality. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Why must I suffer like this? WHY must I have the experiences I had and suffer through the consequences I've suffered? How did this make me ANY MORE the person I wish to be?! I hate my options. I hate the very lessons my higher self seems to want me to learn, as they seem to involve accepting myself with no hope for becoming who I WANT to be. I have to accept being undesirable and not good enough for the people I want. I have to just be like "Oh well, moving on" and I don't want to. I don't want to accept not being able to get what I want. Not being good enough. It's like my lesson is to learn to accept defeat. I don't want to accept defeat. I want to WIN, dammit! I am beginning to hate my own higher self and that's a very dangerous thing. I don't feel like I'm healing at all from using E2. I feel like I'm losing hope. I feel like the universe has conspired to make me unable to achieve my goals, just so I could "accept" defeat, and I hate that. I refuse to lose dammit. I refuse to have failure as my only option.
