05-09-2019, 08:54 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-09-2019, 09:15 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Day 40, almost day 41...
I'm angry over the friendship breakup, and at the heart of anger is unrequited love. I feel immense pain over being cheap shotted with an insulting art piece, blocked on all social media and thrown into the garbage heap, never to be given a second thought. I'm so mad about it. I'm so mad about being told I wasn't worth saving by someone I loved. I'm so mad that this person tells me "It's easy to love someone until the hard times roll around" and then coldly cuts off all communication when the hard times roll around. It hurts so bad, and a piece of me feels so worthless. I can't let it go. Even if I get my friend back, HOW WILL WE ADDRESS the pain inflicted on me? I've already owned up to everything I've done to wrong my friend. I've apologized. Begged for forgiveness. I've done everything on my end to take responsibility for what I did wrong in the relationship. But this friend doesn't care one bit about me, and doesn't think I'm worth giving things another shot with. Doesn't think I'm worth apologizing for their end of shitty treatment. Doesn't think I'm worth forgiving. Doesn't think I'm worth wiping their ass with. And it hurts. It hurts so bad to be discarded to easily by someone I love so much. I don't think E2 can heal this. I don't think LTU5 can heal this. I honestly believe this won't be healed until me and this person work it out. I want to master the "becoming" method so I can not just get my friend back, but get my friend to work through these issues with me. I refuse to cut cords with this friend. I refuse to let this die. I can't. I NEED to resolve this with this person. But it feels like I can't get to that point until I've moved passed all this. It's like some sort of catch 22: I need to resolve this within myself to resolve this with them, but I need to resolve this with them to resolve it within myself. And I'm so sick of smug self righteous assholes on the other forum I frequent telling me all kinds of shit about forgiveness, and all that. They don't know what I'm going through and until they've walked a mile in my shoes they can shut the fuck up. None of these people understand me or my position but they sure talk a lot of good shit like they know the answers, but they don't know shit. Until they've gone through EXACTLY what I've gone through, they don't know shit about it.
God, I'm so hurt and angry. And I have no idea how to change it. All this time, I'm just suppressing pain and rage and frustration. It's not really going away, it's just being put out of my mind. I NEED to be able to work through this, but I can't resolve the issue. I can't. Because my issue is that my friend won't work with me. Won't stick through the hard times to work things out. And then tells me "It's easy to love someone until the hard times roll around" before shutting the door in my face. I can't get over that.
I'm feeling suicidal again. Like I just wanna hit the reset button, but that won't fix this either. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Even with these subliminals and the "becoming" method at my disposal, I don't know how to fix this. I wish my friend could suffer the pain of having the door slammed in their face like this by someone they truly love, with nobody there for them when they're left out in the cold, like I went through. And that's a shitty, selfish, unloving thing to wish on somebody I love. I wish I knew some way I could fix this. I wish I knew how to make my friend see the pain they caused me. I wish I could get me friend to see how sorry I am for the pain I've caused. I wish my friend would CARE how sorry I am for the pain I've caused. I wish my friend would care... I wish they were as sorry as I am. I wish they were obsessing about this like I am. I wish they wished like I did, that this whole thing could be resolved like I want it to be resolved. I wish they were willing to work through it with me. I'm so angry, because I know they couldn't give less than half a rat's ass. They were my best friend, and didn't find me worth the effort. I hate myself so much. I hate myself. I feel like I'll never love myself. I'll always hate myself for this, and I will always be fuming in impotent rage over the cruel fact that it will always be just my problem. I hate myself for being so willing to be the other person too, ready to just coldly abandon people who hurt me. I've always considered disowning my parents in the past. I'll never love myself, I don't think. Not like this. Not with all this going on inside me. I HATE myself. I really do. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this. I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. And I don't feel anybody who tries to comfort me knows the real me, or they wouldn't bother with me. They'd throw me away just like everyone else who gets to know me. I'm toxic. I'm poison to be spewed from the mouth. And that's all that defines me, is how toxic I am. The very best I have to offer isn't worth the trouble of dealing with my deepest flaws. I don't have shit to offer, I just need and take. And I hate myself for it.
And I don't think this is E2 working on my deepest issues. I don't think I'm healing from this. I'm just suffering. Selfishly. And whining about it to you all like it's your problem. But it's not. All I do is whine about this shit. I don't FIX anything. I CAN'T fix anything. It feels like I can't set right what I've fucked up, and I can't just throw in the towel, forgive myself and be at peace with it, my badly wounded pride won't let me. I NEED to be able to fix what I've broken because I NEED to prove to myself I'm worth the effort. And I don't really believe I am. But I can't accept that. I just can't. God I hate myself.
I'm angry over the friendship breakup, and at the heart of anger is unrequited love. I feel immense pain over being cheap shotted with an insulting art piece, blocked on all social media and thrown into the garbage heap, never to be given a second thought. I'm so mad about it. I'm so mad about being told I wasn't worth saving by someone I loved. I'm so mad that this person tells me "It's easy to love someone until the hard times roll around" and then coldly cuts off all communication when the hard times roll around. It hurts so bad, and a piece of me feels so worthless. I can't let it go. Even if I get my friend back, HOW WILL WE ADDRESS the pain inflicted on me? I've already owned up to everything I've done to wrong my friend. I've apologized. Begged for forgiveness. I've done everything on my end to take responsibility for what I did wrong in the relationship. But this friend doesn't care one bit about me, and doesn't think I'm worth giving things another shot with. Doesn't think I'm worth apologizing for their end of shitty treatment. Doesn't think I'm worth forgiving. Doesn't think I'm worth wiping their ass with. And it hurts. It hurts so bad to be discarded to easily by someone I love so much. I don't think E2 can heal this. I don't think LTU5 can heal this. I honestly believe this won't be healed until me and this person work it out. I want to master the "becoming" method so I can not just get my friend back, but get my friend to work through these issues with me. I refuse to cut cords with this friend. I refuse to let this die. I can't. I NEED to resolve this with this person. But it feels like I can't get to that point until I've moved passed all this. It's like some sort of catch 22: I need to resolve this within myself to resolve this with them, but I need to resolve this with them to resolve it within myself. And I'm so sick of smug self righteous assholes on the other forum I frequent telling me all kinds of shit about forgiveness, and all that. They don't know what I'm going through and until they've walked a mile in my shoes they can shut the fuck up. None of these people understand me or my position but they sure talk a lot of good shit like they know the answers, but they don't know shit. Until they've gone through EXACTLY what I've gone through, they don't know shit about it.
God, I'm so hurt and angry. And I have no idea how to change it. All this time, I'm just suppressing pain and rage and frustration. It's not really going away, it's just being put out of my mind. I NEED to be able to work through this, but I can't resolve the issue. I can't. Because my issue is that my friend won't work with me. Won't stick through the hard times to work things out. And then tells me "It's easy to love someone until the hard times roll around" before shutting the door in my face. I can't get over that.
I'm feeling suicidal again. Like I just wanna hit the reset button, but that won't fix this either. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Even with these subliminals and the "becoming" method at my disposal, I don't know how to fix this. I wish my friend could suffer the pain of having the door slammed in their face like this by someone they truly love, with nobody there for them when they're left out in the cold, like I went through. And that's a shitty, selfish, unloving thing to wish on somebody I love. I wish I knew some way I could fix this. I wish I knew how to make my friend see the pain they caused me. I wish I could get me friend to see how sorry I am for the pain I've caused. I wish my friend would CARE how sorry I am for the pain I've caused. I wish my friend would care... I wish they were as sorry as I am. I wish they were obsessing about this like I am. I wish they wished like I did, that this whole thing could be resolved like I want it to be resolved. I wish they were willing to work through it with me. I'm so angry, because I know they couldn't give less than half a rat's ass. They were my best friend, and didn't find me worth the effort. I hate myself so much. I hate myself. I feel like I'll never love myself. I'll always hate myself for this, and I will always be fuming in impotent rage over the cruel fact that it will always be just my problem. I hate myself for being so willing to be the other person too, ready to just coldly abandon people who hurt me. I've always considered disowning my parents in the past. I'll never love myself, I don't think. Not like this. Not with all this going on inside me. I HATE myself. I really do. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this. I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. And I don't feel anybody who tries to comfort me knows the real me, or they wouldn't bother with me. They'd throw me away just like everyone else who gets to know me. I'm toxic. I'm poison to be spewed from the mouth. And that's all that defines me, is how toxic I am. The very best I have to offer isn't worth the trouble of dealing with my deepest flaws. I don't have shit to offer, I just need and take. And I hate myself for it.
And I don't think this is E2 working on my deepest issues. I don't think I'm healing from this. I'm just suffering. Selfishly. And whining about it to you all like it's your problem. But it's not. All I do is whine about this shit. I don't FIX anything. I CAN'T fix anything. It feels like I can't set right what I've fucked up, and I can't just throw in the towel, forgive myself and be at peace with it, my badly wounded pride won't let me. I NEED to be able to fix what I've broken because I NEED to prove to myself I'm worth the effort. And I don't really believe I am. But I can't accept that. I just can't. God I hate myself.
