05-08-2019, 01:06 PM
(05-08-2019, 12:53 PM)findingme Wrote: You're not alone in your actions EP. I've done the same things myself, especially when I'm changing so quickly in a major area in my life. I'm in new ground, part of me is scared it'll be yanked away or it was another fantasy, and as I'm realizing now that dang........ I'm still trying to hang on to my normal, whatever it is. I'm seeing I've been trying to control others, I've been thoroughly unsuccessful at it, and just writing about it allows some feelings to flow.
I'm thinking of Shannon's words in Mat's journal since he explained it clearly. Parts are free, yet some parts are still hanging on to old "truths", like "my fear protects me", like "I will fail since it's easier and I'll surely know the outcome", like "I don't know how to handle success". (those are all my own old "truths")
I'm on my 2nd day off of LTU, and today I realized major desired changes are growing in me. Major mental roadblocks seemed to slither away, like a scared snake retreating. I've given them so much power. And at the same time, part of me is looking around for my "normal", which are old beliefs, feelings, and attitudes. That part of me is unsure, but also feels more empowered without those same beliefs, feelings, and attitudes.
What changes, big or small, are you experiencing today with E2?
Well, I'm feeling less lonely than I was before E2. For a bit, it was starting to look like I was ready to live a normal life, but now here I am, retreating to my bed and my computer. Still, I'm not depressed like I was and I'm feeling less lonely. I'm not suicidal and I'm not obsessing over the friendship breakup anymore. So that's all very good. I guess you can credit E2 for those changes. I guess I just wish I were more productive with less issues. Although I had an epiphany while I was stoned last night: I realized that I feel I NEED to live life a certain way to be worthy of self love and self respect. And until I AM living exactly that way, I probably won't feel worthy of that self love and self respect, but a piece of me suspects that even if I do everything I want to do and live my life exactly how I think I ought to, I still won't lover or respect myself. Apart from weed, I imagine E2 played a role in this epiphany.
I don't understand why I'm so resistant to getting out there and living life productively. I hope this will change over time.
