05-05-2019, 09:44 AM
I've not written lately. I'd been whining here, seeking some assistance or approval without being direct, and I just left my mom's house again an hour ago. The reason I left her place is the same reason: she doesn't need anyone there, but she's not being direct or honest admitting she's lonely and would just like some attention. I couldn't demand she change. From experience, I know I can only successfully change myself. Focusing on someone else changing to my standards makes ME the crazy one.
Me and my brother picked her up from the hospital yesterday, but I hung around to do my laundry. I'd made no plans to stay, but she threw a "have a little fun!" guilt trip my way, and not hearing that message much, I stayed the night. I've also been thinking down the road, with me looking back, wondering "should I have...?". But we did nothing but watch a movie. I cooked her breakfast this morning, she ate, and 2 hours later I left without re-awaking her, having a bit of guilt and fear doing it. I'd never done that without a lot of profuse apologizing. I knew it was a first for me, like I could make choices beyond the steadfast guilt I've followed. I didn't feel great doing it, but guilt has always had its way, followed by fear. Wow.
Her thinking is she wants help 24/7, I've thought that in many ways through the years. Like I wanted to have someone take care of needs I could handle myself. And even writing this, I'm actively looking for reasons NOT to follow this thinking and belief myself. This path has yielded a lot of self-created pain. Helplessness breeds helplessness (monkey see, monkey do), which fosters a lot of bad shit down the line. Self incrimination, low self-valuing, and expecting more bad things to happen. IE., helplessness to bad stuff happening. I'd be saying to anyone else "DON'T DO IT!!!!!!".
I made a different decision. Mom's not a child. She's not helpless, nor am I. I stuck to my original plan, which was to leave.
As soon as I wrote those last words, pain surfaced, the very stuff I've felt helpless over my whole life. That's why I'm on LTU presently. Why I was on E2 for months. Freedom requires my participation, and listening to subs is the very least I could do to heal my mind.
And I came home to not feel owned by that persistent neediness and helplessness. Glad I did!
Me and my brother picked her up from the hospital yesterday, but I hung around to do my laundry. I'd made no plans to stay, but she threw a "have a little fun!" guilt trip my way, and not hearing that message much, I stayed the night. I've also been thinking down the road, with me looking back, wondering "should I have...?". But we did nothing but watch a movie. I cooked her breakfast this morning, she ate, and 2 hours later I left without re-awaking her, having a bit of guilt and fear doing it. I'd never done that without a lot of profuse apologizing. I knew it was a first for me, like I could make choices beyond the steadfast guilt I've followed. I didn't feel great doing it, but guilt has always had its way, followed by fear. Wow.
Her thinking is she wants help 24/7, I've thought that in many ways through the years. Like I wanted to have someone take care of needs I could handle myself. And even writing this, I'm actively looking for reasons NOT to follow this thinking and belief myself. This path has yielded a lot of self-created pain. Helplessness breeds helplessness (monkey see, monkey do), which fosters a lot of bad shit down the line. Self incrimination, low self-valuing, and expecting more bad things to happen. IE., helplessness to bad stuff happening. I'd be saying to anyone else "DON'T DO IT!!!!!!".
I made a different decision. Mom's not a child. She's not helpless, nor am I. I stuck to my original plan, which was to leave.
As soon as I wrote those last words, pain surfaced, the very stuff I've felt helpless over my whole life. That's why I'm on LTU presently. Why I was on E2 for months. Freedom requires my participation, and listening to subs is the very least I could do to heal my mind.
And I came home to not feel owned by that persistent neediness and helplessness. Glad I did!
I want to be FREE!
