I had a rough day. I was intimidated by lazy temp workers not wanting to do a damn thing but goof off. One even threatened me when he walked past me, me still trying to convey my point. Me touching him, attempting to get his attention, set him off, and he became full-on street thug. I went to my supervisor and told him. The worker was told to leave.....
I usually write, communicate, and breathe this air of "I need saving". Even around these guys, I felt helpless, and in my mind somewhere I was looking for my brother. He'd always saved me, and today, like many days before, I had this entitled mentality where I felt immune to consequences and had a right to it . I've lived like this my whole adult life, but I'm rarely in charge of others.
I'm seeing a connection to the victim mentality in this. "If I f*** up, I'll be saved by my brother". Today, emotionally I felt this strong urge to play victim and act helpless, since someone always had shown up for me. I always knew people would jump in for me. .............and Shannon's words of playing the victim role decreasing one's self esteem are felt here. It busts my feeling good, replacing it with me feeling really low.
But noone was there to save me today. My mind and thinking were playing the old role, but we were isolated mostly. I had to go seek help, which was to just tell on the one guy. I felt (and feel) young. This is how I'd learned to deal with major problems.
I've played it with many other men, but it never lasts. I've put myself in their shoes, and I'm only using them to fill this desire.
I don't really have a "looking forward" view presently. I'm running hybrid loops now, feeling a slight grief.............but "I just want..."
Maybe that grief's there for a reason.
(I began writing more---I was pouring the victim drama on again. Stopped to save myself)
I usually write, communicate, and breathe this air of "I need saving". Even around these guys, I felt helpless, and in my mind somewhere I was looking for my brother. He'd always saved me, and today, like many days before, I had this entitled mentality where I felt immune to consequences and had a right to it . I've lived like this my whole adult life, but I'm rarely in charge of others.
I'm seeing a connection to the victim mentality in this. "If I f*** up, I'll be saved by my brother". Today, emotionally I felt this strong urge to play victim and act helpless, since someone always had shown up for me. I always knew people would jump in for me. .............and Shannon's words of playing the victim role decreasing one's self esteem are felt here. It busts my feeling good, replacing it with me feeling really low.
But noone was there to save me today. My mind and thinking were playing the old role, but we were isolated mostly. I had to go seek help, which was to just tell on the one guy. I felt (and feel) young. This is how I'd learned to deal with major problems.
I've played it with many other men, but it never lasts. I've put myself in their shoes, and I'm only using them to fill this desire.
I don't really have a "looking forward" view presently. I'm running hybrid loops now, feeling a slight grief.............but "I just want..."
Maybe that grief's there for a reason.
(I began writing more---I was pouring the victim drama on again. Stopped to save myself)
I want to be FREE!
