04-28-2019, 12:16 PM
I need to admit something to and for myself. This was a lot of what I wrote on my phone, and it had to deal with self-criticism.
Before I was faced with this realization yesterday, I'd been slowly seeing and feeling her criticizing herself. Stupid mistakes....no--ANY mistake, and she'd put herself down. She's done this for eons, but I'd never noticed it. Just a low key beating the s*** out of herself regularly.
And I became her target yesterday. This is when I put 2 and 2 together.
She made a list of things to get from the store, very specifically. Exact amount, exact prices, even telling me about IDing myself at the liquor store. Fear and anger grew in me. But I went. No problems in the first store. But the second store had issues, for I realized she'd quoted prices from an old flyer, and the sales had changed. When I'd called her in the store, I picked up her disappointment, her frustration that she was wrong. This was very stressful, and something clicked in my thinking.
I realized she had put her trust in me to give her exact products and prices, and me not succeeding IMO, meant she had reason to pummel herself again. I was her reason for her beating herself up now.
I can cry and play victim here. But I'm not. F*** that.
My mom is leading a very dissatisfying life, and she doesn't know how to do differently. I'm doing better now, but emotionally, I've felt the exact same.
I've thought the same way too.
Mat's posting yesterday made me look longterm in my life, mostly backward, and I realized tools and thinking choices are available to me right now. I was at my mom's, she had her TV on (for noise), but a movie was on which I watched maybe 15 minutes of. It was Keanu Reeves' "A Walk in the Clouds". During me watching it, I decided to not think like a little boy (victim mindset), but think on bigger things like honor, doing the right thing, and forgiving people for being human. Doing this makes me feel better about myself, so I hung onto it.
For I realized I've been very self critical. I become so dejected by my own messages in times past that I quit on even trying in some areas. Sad, but I don't want to stay in sadness. I can break free of this. I am breaking free of this.
Like Mat said, I've made my past my Now, and I've chosen it again and again. I can make different choices in my thinking and in my actions. I'm doing that right now. Thank you Mat.
Before I was faced with this realization yesterday, I'd been slowly seeing and feeling her criticizing herself. Stupid mistakes....no--ANY mistake, and she'd put herself down. She's done this for eons, but I'd never noticed it. Just a low key beating the s*** out of herself regularly.
And I became her target yesterday. This is when I put 2 and 2 together.
She made a list of things to get from the store, very specifically. Exact amount, exact prices, even telling me about IDing myself at the liquor store. Fear and anger grew in me. But I went. No problems in the first store. But the second store had issues, for I realized she'd quoted prices from an old flyer, and the sales had changed. When I'd called her in the store, I picked up her disappointment, her frustration that she was wrong. This was very stressful, and something clicked in my thinking.
I realized she had put her trust in me to give her exact products and prices, and me not succeeding IMO, meant she had reason to pummel herself again. I was her reason for her beating herself up now.
I can cry and play victim here. But I'm not. F*** that.
My mom is leading a very dissatisfying life, and she doesn't know how to do differently. I'm doing better now, but emotionally, I've felt the exact same.
I've thought the same way too.
Mat's posting yesterday made me look longterm in my life, mostly backward, and I realized tools and thinking choices are available to me right now. I was at my mom's, she had her TV on (for noise), but a movie was on which I watched maybe 15 minutes of. It was Keanu Reeves' "A Walk in the Clouds". During me watching it, I decided to not think like a little boy (victim mindset), but think on bigger things like honor, doing the right thing, and forgiving people for being human. Doing this makes me feel better about myself, so I hung onto it.
For I realized I've been very self critical. I become so dejected by my own messages in times past that I quit on even trying in some areas. Sad, but I don't want to stay in sadness. I can break free of this. I am breaking free of this.
Like Mat said, I've made my past my Now, and I've chosen it again and again. I can make different choices in my thinking and in my actions. I'm doing that right now. Thank you Mat.
I want to be FREE!
