Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

I've had numerous realizations while with my mom, and my focus really shifted after reading Mat's posting yesterday. I'd been on my phone, and I composed this whole litany of aggravations. What occurred to me today is:

I'm still playing the victim role.

I've actually enjoyed it, for it continually put the responsibility and blame on someone else. While being with my 78 year old mom, still playing the same role herself, I just knew noone had grown up in her family, always blaming, fighting, and drinking, all to keep the cycle in check. And in my familiy of origin, we all do it using different fronts and excuses. For "we have it so hard.....(sniffle, sniffle). Feel sorry for us so we can keep doing this".

Me bitching by writing was me saying "I deserve better treatment. I feel helpless to change it, I'm not sure how else to live, and I'm scared I'll be rejected if I admit this"

Growing beyond this is the present unknown in me. I'm unsure how it'll resolve itself, but I wonder how the polymorphic scripting will adapt to this in my life.

Or.....how I'll think differently and proactively to make necessary changes