04-26-2019, 08:56 PM
I think I've come to the realization that the way I'm living now is the way I've always lived. I just have more awareness of it. But I have a hard time changing the way I live. So I feel shitty about it. I want to change the way I live, but any time spent away from the computer leaves me feeling empty and lonely. The computer distracts me from that.
I feel like I've wasted my youth: 10 years barely working at a dead end minimum wage job I hated, not going to college through a good portion of it, spending so much time doing nothing at the computer, just killing time. Mindlessly. And now that time's gone and I can't get it back. I regret how I wasted my twenties. And yet, I can't help but still waste time. I can't stand being aware of how alone I am.
I don't know what to do. Maybe there's no amount of social life I can have that will satisfy me? I don't know.
It feels like layers and layers of deep issues that can't be resolved. And even if I resolve one, there's a deeper issue that still needs working on that I don't know how to handle. And it feels like I've got no choice but to try, because suicide isn't a way out. It all feels like too much for even LTU5 to be able to fix, but do I have any other options?
, and I feel intimidated at the thought of even attempting to clean it up. and going at my own pace, I go very slowly at it. I wonder if I'll be able to resolve these issue within this lifetime. It feels like there's so much that needs fixing. And I can't even stand being away from the computer unless I've got some other way to be distracted! I don't know what's at the root of it all It's like, you think you've found the root of an issue, only to find that root has a root which has a root which has a root. I think the ultimate root may be fear, but that's so many layers deep, and I don't know how to confront it.
I feel like I've wasted my youth: 10 years barely working at a dead end minimum wage job I hated, not going to college through a good portion of it, spending so much time doing nothing at the computer, just killing time. Mindlessly. And now that time's gone and I can't get it back. I regret how I wasted my twenties. And yet, I can't help but still waste time. I can't stand being aware of how alone I am.
I don't know what to do. Maybe there's no amount of social life I can have that will satisfy me? I don't know.
It feels like layers and layers of deep issues that can't be resolved. And even if I resolve one, there's a deeper issue that still needs working on that I don't know how to handle. And it feels like I've got no choice but to try, because suicide isn't a way out. It all feels like too much for even LTU5 to be able to fix, but do I have any other options?
, and I feel intimidated at the thought of even attempting to clean it up. and going at my own pace, I go very slowly at it. I wonder if I'll be able to resolve these issue within this lifetime. It feels like there's so much that needs fixing. And I can't even stand being away from the computer unless I've got some other way to be distracted! I don't know what's at the root of it all It's like, you think you've found the root of an issue, only to find that root has a root which has a root which has a root. I think the ultimate root may be fear, but that's so many layers deep, and I don't know how to confront it.
