I'd like to share something which happened yesterday which made me feel good. Anger Management and the forgiveness modules came through.
I was working on the yard, running a crew of temporary workers, and I had to relocate a trailerful of clean trash cans to the opposite side of the plant. I took one regular temp with me who is pretty lazy (I wanted another, but he was busy). I had to back up the trailer close to a bay door so we could roll the cans inside.
So, the temp got out of the truck when we drove to our drop-off spot. I thought he'd direct me back, which is what is safe and productive. Me relying on such help helps us get things done smoothly and quickly. When I looked back, he had sat down on a concrete barrier, acting like he didn't GAF (his norm). I backed up towards my area--and I tried something new.
Since I'm trying to improve my backing skills, I chose to watch only one mirror. I find I overcompensate when using both mirrors, making me weave. Well, I chose one mirror with the temp in view, looking for directions or warnings if I got too close to anything not in my vision.
WHACK! I hit the dumpster with the left part of the trailer, as I was using the right mirror. W T F??!!! He didn't respond, react, cue me....NOTHING!! I got out and this ******** laughed, thinking it funny that I'd done this. This pissed me off........but it moreso told me "trust in this guy and you'll be hurt". It quickly jerked me back to memories of needing a brother and..... being disappointed.
I knew nothing else about handling my anger but just brewing on it. This POS was completely unaware he'd just f***** me up right in front of the mechanics, the supervisors.......damn...........so I thought "F*** him" and just worked around him. I stayed quiet. Stupid IDIOT!!
I should mention I'd been successful working with these guys this day, looking and learning ways to have us all work together. This required that I adapt and listen to what worked for all of us, me admitting I was wrong a few times. And even while brewing, a (new) part of me wondered how this may work out to be a feel-good situation. Huh???
Me and this same temp worker had to drive to another part of the yard after this to reload with more cans, and I was paying attention to him with my quietness. Like I was trying to manipulate some change (I'd never seen this before, honestly). I did clearly and slowly say "that wasn't cool" and nothing else. We got out to load up the trailer, and I really WANTED this to work out for the good. I hung on to this good feeling......and I chose to return to my anger again. I was right, so.......I'd stay angry. (But miserable......)
Suddenly, a feeling washed over me. What was this?! Forgiveness. I accepted it since it instantly untightened my chest. This is what I really wanted....but I didn't think........it possible. I even "thought" I should remain miserable (angry) since......that's all my family ever did (no kidding, I saw my mom in my head)
But it was so damn EASY letting this go. I am usually stubborn, but this felt better. And desired. My anger dissolved. I won't be so naive with this temp again, but that was over now. I was not hanging onto that feeling of rage and disappointment. I also wasn't just hiding it from myself, which I've done many times. I felt better, and the rest of day we communicated pretty well. No burning embers of this situation remained.
I felt different at the end of my day, knowing things had worked out pretty darn good. I'd succeeded well managing these guys, and LTU had truly helped in managing ME. This was a really, really good day
I was working on the yard, running a crew of temporary workers, and I had to relocate a trailerful of clean trash cans to the opposite side of the plant. I took one regular temp with me who is pretty lazy (I wanted another, but he was busy). I had to back up the trailer close to a bay door so we could roll the cans inside.
So, the temp got out of the truck when we drove to our drop-off spot. I thought he'd direct me back, which is what is safe and productive. Me relying on such help helps us get things done smoothly and quickly. When I looked back, he had sat down on a concrete barrier, acting like he didn't GAF (his norm). I backed up towards my area--and I tried something new.
Since I'm trying to improve my backing skills, I chose to watch only one mirror. I find I overcompensate when using both mirrors, making me weave. Well, I chose one mirror with the temp in view, looking for directions or warnings if I got too close to anything not in my vision.
WHACK! I hit the dumpster with the left part of the trailer, as I was using the right mirror. W T F??!!! He didn't respond, react, cue me....NOTHING!! I got out and this ******** laughed, thinking it funny that I'd done this. This pissed me off........but it moreso told me "trust in this guy and you'll be hurt". It quickly jerked me back to memories of needing a brother and..... being disappointed.
I knew nothing else about handling my anger but just brewing on it. This POS was completely unaware he'd just f***** me up right in front of the mechanics, the supervisors.......damn...........so I thought "F*** him" and just worked around him. I stayed quiet. Stupid IDIOT!!
I should mention I'd been successful working with these guys this day, looking and learning ways to have us all work together. This required that I adapt and listen to what worked for all of us, me admitting I was wrong a few times. And even while brewing, a (new) part of me wondered how this may work out to be a feel-good situation. Huh???
Me and this same temp worker had to drive to another part of the yard after this to reload with more cans, and I was paying attention to him with my quietness. Like I was trying to manipulate some change (I'd never seen this before, honestly). I did clearly and slowly say "that wasn't cool" and nothing else. We got out to load up the trailer, and I really WANTED this to work out for the good. I hung on to this good feeling......and I chose to return to my anger again. I was right, so.......I'd stay angry. (But miserable......)
Suddenly, a feeling washed over me. What was this?! Forgiveness. I accepted it since it instantly untightened my chest. This is what I really wanted....but I didn't think........it possible. I even "thought" I should remain miserable (angry) since......that's all my family ever did (no kidding, I saw my mom in my head)
But it was so damn EASY letting this go. I am usually stubborn, but this felt better. And desired. My anger dissolved. I won't be so naive with this temp again, but that was over now. I was not hanging onto that feeling of rage and disappointment. I also wasn't just hiding it from myself, which I've done many times. I felt better, and the rest of day we communicated pretty well. No burning embers of this situation remained.
I felt different at the end of my day, knowing things had worked out pretty darn good. I'd succeeded well managing these guys, and LTU had truly helped in managing ME. This was a really, really good day
I want to be FREE!
