04-24-2019, 03:42 PM
Day 26:
So for the past few days, I've been binge watching clips of this Japanese show called Sakura Gakuin, which is about this school themed idol group, and it's not the kind of shit I'd normally ever watch. I started watching it because I'm a Babymetal fan and I'm curious about the background of the girls in Babymetal, but I initially only cared to watch a couple episodes when I first checked it out. I've recently started watching translated highlights on Youtube and reading about the group, and I'm sitting here thinking to myself "why am I so interested in this? Why am I learning about these girls and getting so interested? I don't like the music, and it's kinda dumb in some ways, yet I feel compelled to watch these clips and feel better when I do. Why? What psychological need is this fulfilling for me?"
And I've been pondering it over the last couple of days. Part of it, I think is the happy and generally very positive vibe of the show, which I like, because I'm feeling down lately and I guess that kinda shit cheers me up, but I think another part of it is, these girls all have a close-knit web of relationships with one another, the teacher has a relationship to each of them, and as the viewer gets to know the girls in the group, the viewer starts to form a kind of remote relationship with them too, in a way. Or at least that's how it feels. So I think the psychological need it's fulfilling is that I'm a lonely person who wants friends and who is still healing/recovering from a friendship breakup with my best friend, and this show offers a false sense of closeness for the viewer. And the overall feel, being generally positive and free of any majour conflict is reassuring to somebody who's been going through some really rough personal stuff and doesn't want any more conflict in their life. It's similar to how my dad binge watches Hallmark movies because he's so sick of the problems of the world; he just wants to escape to something nice and feel-good and non-threatening. It's like that, but with the added sense that you're getting to know these girls, and kind of... absorbing the positivity and the closeness of the group through osmosis, if that makes any sense. Not to mention, these girls are just very charming. My ex-friend was very charming too...
So I guess I get the psychological needs being fulfilled by watching this stuff. Question is: how do I fulfill the same needs more effectively IRL?
I think part of the easier way of doing things is just learning to see the best aspects of each person I connect with, and accept them as they are. I still need to make more deep connections though... When LTU5 comes out, that's going to be my goal: Form more deep and intimate friendships with interesting and charming young people I have a lot in common with.
Anyway, the theme of loneliness is definitely one of my biggest issues right now. I'm not sure how to address it, really. I don't know how to just go out and meet people. Meetup.com didn't quite work out either. Neither are these apps I downloaded onto my phone. I'm not sure what to do. I'm still trying to heal and learn to love myself, so maybe I can be happy with my own company. But as I do that, I am still glued to my computer, trying to distract myself from these feelings of loneliness. It was only about a month ago that people on this forum were telling me to go on E2 because of how needy and generally pathetic I was. And how that was a majour contributing factor to my loneliness, maybe after enough time on E2 (and later LTU5) I'll be healed enough to not feel so lonely, but currently, that's where I'm at.
I wish I had a solution sooner. I wish there were some sort of magic pill I could swallow to resolve this issue. I wish I had my friend back. I wish I had another chance at life. I wish I were younger and could have another chance to not waste my youth. I wish I knew how to meet my needs. I wish they were met. I wish I hadn't screwed up multiple relationships with multiple people. I wish life weren't so tragic so often. I wish I were free of sorrow. I wish the world could just free itself of all this sorrow. I wish I could free it. I wish I could free myself. I hope I can. I certainly wish I were given another chance at everything I've screwed up. I wish I could hit the reset button on this life and do the whole thing over again, with all the experience, wisdom and knowledge I have now. And with these subs. I suppose I still can start over in a lot of ways, but there's so much baggage to clear... I wish I could just snap my fingers and clear up all the emotional baggage. I wish I had done things differently.I wish I had done A LOT of things differently. I wish I still had my friend. I wish I had more friends. I wish I hadn't spent so much time wasting away in front of TV and computer screens. I wish I didn't STILL feel the need to do that. I wish I knew what to do to get what I want. I wish I had the willpower/motivation to do it. I wish my therapist were of some use. I wish I knew what I needed from a therapist for them to BE of use. I wish healing, even from these subs, didn't take so damn long. I wish there weren't so much unconscious resistance. I wish I knew where I were going with this. I wish there WERE somewhere I was going with all this...
I'm gonna stop writing for now, because I DON'T KNOW where I'm going with this. This IS a journal, but it's a journal for keeping track of progress with E2, and sometimes I just treat it like a regular journal, which I don't have. And I've got other things to do, and I've been avoiding doing them all day so far.
So for the past few days, I've been binge watching clips of this Japanese show called Sakura Gakuin, which is about this school themed idol group, and it's not the kind of shit I'd normally ever watch. I started watching it because I'm a Babymetal fan and I'm curious about the background of the girls in Babymetal, but I initially only cared to watch a couple episodes when I first checked it out. I've recently started watching translated highlights on Youtube and reading about the group, and I'm sitting here thinking to myself "why am I so interested in this? Why am I learning about these girls and getting so interested? I don't like the music, and it's kinda dumb in some ways, yet I feel compelled to watch these clips and feel better when I do. Why? What psychological need is this fulfilling for me?"
And I've been pondering it over the last couple of days. Part of it, I think is the happy and generally very positive vibe of the show, which I like, because I'm feeling down lately and I guess that kinda shit cheers me up, but I think another part of it is, these girls all have a close-knit web of relationships with one another, the teacher has a relationship to each of them, and as the viewer gets to know the girls in the group, the viewer starts to form a kind of remote relationship with them too, in a way. Or at least that's how it feels. So I think the psychological need it's fulfilling is that I'm a lonely person who wants friends and who is still healing/recovering from a friendship breakup with my best friend, and this show offers a false sense of closeness for the viewer. And the overall feel, being generally positive and free of any majour conflict is reassuring to somebody who's been going through some really rough personal stuff and doesn't want any more conflict in their life. It's similar to how my dad binge watches Hallmark movies because he's so sick of the problems of the world; he just wants to escape to something nice and feel-good and non-threatening. It's like that, but with the added sense that you're getting to know these girls, and kind of... absorbing the positivity and the closeness of the group through osmosis, if that makes any sense. Not to mention, these girls are just very charming. My ex-friend was very charming too...
So I guess I get the psychological needs being fulfilled by watching this stuff. Question is: how do I fulfill the same needs more effectively IRL?
I think part of the easier way of doing things is just learning to see the best aspects of each person I connect with, and accept them as they are. I still need to make more deep connections though... When LTU5 comes out, that's going to be my goal: Form more deep and intimate friendships with interesting and charming young people I have a lot in common with.
Anyway, the theme of loneliness is definitely one of my biggest issues right now. I'm not sure how to address it, really. I don't know how to just go out and meet people. Meetup.com didn't quite work out either. Neither are these apps I downloaded onto my phone. I'm not sure what to do. I'm still trying to heal and learn to love myself, so maybe I can be happy with my own company. But as I do that, I am still glued to my computer, trying to distract myself from these feelings of loneliness. It was only about a month ago that people on this forum were telling me to go on E2 because of how needy and generally pathetic I was. And how that was a majour contributing factor to my loneliness, maybe after enough time on E2 (and later LTU5) I'll be healed enough to not feel so lonely, but currently, that's where I'm at.
I wish I had a solution sooner. I wish there were some sort of magic pill I could swallow to resolve this issue. I wish I had my friend back. I wish I had another chance at life. I wish I were younger and could have another chance to not waste my youth. I wish I knew how to meet my needs. I wish they were met. I wish I hadn't screwed up multiple relationships with multiple people. I wish life weren't so tragic so often. I wish I were free of sorrow. I wish the world could just free itself of all this sorrow. I wish I could free it. I wish I could free myself. I hope I can. I certainly wish I were given another chance at everything I've screwed up. I wish I could hit the reset button on this life and do the whole thing over again, with all the experience, wisdom and knowledge I have now. And with these subs. I suppose I still can start over in a lot of ways, but there's so much baggage to clear... I wish I could just snap my fingers and clear up all the emotional baggage. I wish I had done things differently.I wish I had done A LOT of things differently. I wish I still had my friend. I wish I had more friends. I wish I hadn't spent so much time wasting away in front of TV and computer screens. I wish I didn't STILL feel the need to do that. I wish I knew what to do to get what I want. I wish I had the willpower/motivation to do it. I wish my therapist were of some use. I wish I knew what I needed from a therapist for them to BE of use. I wish healing, even from these subs, didn't take so damn long. I wish there weren't so much unconscious resistance. I wish I knew where I were going with this. I wish there WERE somewhere I was going with all this...
I'm gonna stop writing for now, because I DON'T KNOW where I'm going with this. This IS a journal, but it's a journal for keeping track of progress with E2, and sometimes I just treat it like a regular journal, which I don't have. And I've got other things to do, and I've been avoiding doing them all day so far.
