04-22-2019, 09:01 AM
Something I'm admitting, just because I don't want to hide behind lies.
Something I've done with other men in my life, both coworkers and recovery friends, is that I've tried to put them into that box my brother used to fill. The word I equate it with: manipulation. I've played a "less competent" role, hoping I'd recreate the same dynamics I grew up in. Sharing that, it makes me feel like less of a man, being (emotionally) dependent on other adult peers. I must have begun believing this too, remembering my thoughts around competent men.
This habit of lying to myself and recreating this has me feel old pain plus decreased self esteem. I feel less integrity, like I'm taking something without their permission or knowledge.
And as I've written, I realize I've attempted and desired it many times. Using the less honest approach is hurting me though. I don't want to keep doing this (sounds like I'm pleading with myself for change).
Something I've done with other men in my life, both coworkers and recovery friends, is that I've tried to put them into that box my brother used to fill. The word I equate it with: manipulation. I've played a "less competent" role, hoping I'd recreate the same dynamics I grew up in. Sharing that, it makes me feel like less of a man, being (emotionally) dependent on other adult peers. I must have begun believing this too, remembering my thoughts around competent men.
This habit of lying to myself and recreating this has me feel old pain plus decreased self esteem. I feel less integrity, like I'm taking something without their permission or knowledge.
And as I've written, I realize I've attempted and desired it many times. Using the less honest approach is hurting me though. I don't want to keep doing this (sounds like I'm pleading with myself for change).
I want to be FREE!
