Damn. I'm not really, really wanting to do this--to be honest here. But not doing so moves me closer to what I really don't want. I'm just uncertain of the followup. It's scaring me, but fear has a habit of screaming loud when I'm making changes. I'm also listening to music which is pointing to emotional truths for me, and it's got me tearing up considering I'm about to tell on myself. Here goes.
I got those last few replies from Ben and Greenduck, and I felt a fear of responding. Why? Since I love being given, but............ And that's when I've stopped most of my life. The "using people" pattern is what I'm referring to. "If I don't put my heart into a relationship, I won't get hurt". I'm going to just spit this out...
I'm afraid of me needing a male friend again. Ben's and Greenduck's maturity levels have shown up and gone up in the last few years......and I'm reliving now some imagined rejection when I actually need help. Being more experienced with something (like sharing here) is easier since I can safely hide behind it, but could i ever trust again? Crying hard now.
In my mind I'm about 50 feet away from the outside of me and my brothers bedroom window at around 12 years old. I often think of that since....when he snuck out at night, he went through that window. One day he just never returned. He left home. That burnt me hard since I was very dependent on him. He, the monologuer, told me his side maybe 10 years back. I didn't share or even feel mine then, as I still had protective walls up.
LTU seems to gently pushing me to let this go...........I'd say it is continually encouraging me to, for I'm not free yet. I keep feeling like I still have some grief to face, as I work with all guys, some are really trustworthy, and I've got some BS walls up. I'm becoming more aware of my "shields" I hold up around these guys.
Even my BS walls now I'd rather be honest about. I'm more tears now than logic.
Evidence of old ties to my brother: I stopped at the end of my last sentence with an unspoken "help me. I'm scared"; that long pause that signals one needs help. My brother often intervened, saving me from shame and embarrassment.
I do have more to let go of here. I may start LTU loops early today (I stayed home). I don't have answers. I am just feelings presently. Looping an emotional song on YT is helping this come out too. It seems like I've been waiting over 30 years now, wishing this would have a different ending.
I got those last few replies from Ben and Greenduck, and I felt a fear of responding. Why? Since I love being given, but............ And that's when I've stopped most of my life. The "using people" pattern is what I'm referring to. "If I don't put my heart into a relationship, I won't get hurt". I'm going to just spit this out...
I'm afraid of me needing a male friend again. Ben's and Greenduck's maturity levels have shown up and gone up in the last few years......and I'm reliving now some imagined rejection when I actually need help. Being more experienced with something (like sharing here) is easier since I can safely hide behind it, but could i ever trust again? Crying hard now.
In my mind I'm about 50 feet away from the outside of me and my brothers bedroom window at around 12 years old. I often think of that since....when he snuck out at night, he went through that window. One day he just never returned. He left home. That burnt me hard since I was very dependent on him. He, the monologuer, told me his side maybe 10 years back. I didn't share or even feel mine then, as I still had protective walls up.
LTU seems to gently pushing me to let this go...........I'd say it is continually encouraging me to, for I'm not free yet. I keep feeling like I still have some grief to face, as I work with all guys, some are really trustworthy, and I've got some BS walls up. I'm becoming more aware of my "shields" I hold up around these guys.
Even my BS walls now I'd rather be honest about. I'm more tears now than logic.
Evidence of old ties to my brother: I stopped at the end of my last sentence with an unspoken "help me. I'm scared"; that long pause that signals one needs help. My brother often intervened, saving me from shame and embarrassment.
I do have more to let go of here. I may start LTU loops early today (I stayed home). I don't have answers. I am just feelings presently. Looping an emotional song on YT is helping this come out too. It seems like I've been waiting over 30 years now, wishing this would have a different ending.
I want to be FREE!
