04-20-2019, 02:28 PM
Yeah, EP. Hiding it definitely doubles it (or triples, quadruples) it. It's something that's I've given too much power over to.
One thing I've known that decimates it instantly: love. Love melts it away. Disintegrates it. Love is powerful.
I ask myself "how can I be the change, the lover to myself, in this situation?" Something I've known is that me giving always comes back to myself in some way. I've imagined going to her house to love her. To honor her. Even knowing her love tank is empty. She needs love too.
I just need to protect myself appropriately.
I'm remembering my first days on LTU here, as I documented it. At least 2 times I feared the absolute worst out of an interaction or situation. And it never happened anywhere close to what I feared. Never did. Fear screamed early on in my imagination. But in reality, no such dangers ever showed up.
______________________________________________________________________
Holy s***. Literally, right after I finished that last sentence, my mom called me. I shut down expectations (which took a constant vigilance), and she wondered what I had planned for tomorrow. I told her my only commitment was at 3 (playing our money game). She lives in section 8 housing, and she's having an inspection Monday. My brother's coming over, and she'd like us to help clean up her house (which is FAR from dirty). Dusting and mopping mostly. We'll be going out for dinner after.
I didn't change my plans, but I did open myself up to changing them. I'm in that moment, asking for help here, seeing obvious avenues, realizing I can find good or bad, imagine good or bad, and in my head build good or bad. I have a real growth opportunity if I go. I may even speak up if need be.
My choices:
Hiding? Or engaging?
Living in my past? Or living in today?
Hiding takes too much damn work, as most is mental gymnastics for me. Engaging is fun, as now I'm both learning and interacting simultaneously.
And I like living in today. I can change my choices today. I can't change yesterday's choices, nor tomorrow's.
Will do some Rule 4 dialoguing before deciding though.
One thing I've known that decimates it instantly: love. Love melts it away. Disintegrates it. Love is powerful.
I ask myself "how can I be the change, the lover to myself, in this situation?" Something I've known is that me giving always comes back to myself in some way. I've imagined going to her house to love her. To honor her. Even knowing her love tank is empty. She needs love too.
I just need to protect myself appropriately.
I'm remembering my first days on LTU here, as I documented it. At least 2 times I feared the absolute worst out of an interaction or situation. And it never happened anywhere close to what I feared. Never did. Fear screamed early on in my imagination. But in reality, no such dangers ever showed up.
______________________________________________________________________
Holy s***. Literally, right after I finished that last sentence, my mom called me. I shut down expectations (which took a constant vigilance), and she wondered what I had planned for tomorrow. I told her my only commitment was at 3 (playing our money game). She lives in section 8 housing, and she's having an inspection Monday. My brother's coming over, and she'd like us to help clean up her house (which is FAR from dirty). Dusting and mopping mostly. We'll be going out for dinner after.
I didn't change my plans, but I did open myself up to changing them. I'm in that moment, asking for help here, seeing obvious avenues, realizing I can find good or bad, imagine good or bad, and in my head build good or bad. I have a real growth opportunity if I go. I may even speak up if need be.
My choices:
Hiding? Or engaging?
Living in my past? Or living in today?
Hiding takes too much damn work, as most is mental gymnastics for me. Engaging is fun, as now I'm both learning and interacting simultaneously.
And I like living in today. I can change my choices today. I can't change yesterday's choices, nor tomorrow's.
Will do some Rule 4 dialoguing before deciding though.
I want to be FREE!
