04-19-2019, 12:58 PM
EvolvingPhoenix, I realized something today about loneliness, and I'd like to share it with you. I wasn't seeking this. In fact, I was just driving home from work.
My fear was winding down while driving home, for I've been on alert all day since I've felt very vulnerable underneath. I try to hide this at work. And I was thinking of caring for myself. Since I was out of work now, I allowed myself to feel safe, be uncritical towards myself, and feel unendangered emotionally. I was caring, loving, and protecting of myself.
And......I wasn't lonely. Not one bit. What I realized for me is that when I ignore myself and my needs, I get lonely. If I ignore it longer, I can become desperate. For me, that loneliness is painful since it hollers to me, and I'm the only one who hears it.
I even stopped at a store to get some milk, and while there, began a conversation with 2 women cashiers. What happened in me is I felt an inner sadness building, for I was behaving in a way that would encourage one of these women to know me better. But out of unchecked habit, I was working toward putting this responsibility of taking care of myself into someone else's hands, which is a codependent hell (for me). This habit actually wore out my closest relationship, that of my now ex-wife. I've tried and tried many times many years to have people take care of me ("tell me I'm lovable!"), and noone likes me putting my responsibility on them. This damaged or alienated more people than anything else. Bar none.
E2 finally got me closer to knowing and experiencing my own self-love (when I stayed on it 3 months, having purchased it a year earlier), and currently LTU is reinforcing it, making my understanding very clear.
Somehow I knew I would be taking care of myself today. I am now. This feels good. Peaceful too. I'm going to rest now.
Shannon's subs really do work! They do. Hang in there.
My fear was winding down while driving home, for I've been on alert all day since I've felt very vulnerable underneath. I try to hide this at work. And I was thinking of caring for myself. Since I was out of work now, I allowed myself to feel safe, be uncritical towards myself, and feel unendangered emotionally. I was caring, loving, and protecting of myself.
And......I wasn't lonely. Not one bit. What I realized for me is that when I ignore myself and my needs, I get lonely. If I ignore it longer, I can become desperate. For me, that loneliness is painful since it hollers to me, and I'm the only one who hears it.
I even stopped at a store to get some milk, and while there, began a conversation with 2 women cashiers. What happened in me is I felt an inner sadness building, for I was behaving in a way that would encourage one of these women to know me better. But out of unchecked habit, I was working toward putting this responsibility of taking care of myself into someone else's hands, which is a codependent hell (for me). This habit actually wore out my closest relationship, that of my now ex-wife. I've tried and tried many times many years to have people take care of me ("tell me I'm lovable!"), and noone likes me putting my responsibility on them. This damaged or alienated more people than anything else. Bar none.
E2 finally got me closer to knowing and experiencing my own self-love (when I stayed on it 3 months, having purchased it a year earlier), and currently LTU is reinforcing it, making my understanding very clear.
Somehow I knew I would be taking care of myself today. I am now. This feels good. Peaceful too. I'm going to rest now.
Shannon's subs really do work! They do. Hang in there.
I want to be FREE!
