04-18-2019, 05:28 PM
I've always thought when I wrote, I had to have some clear point THAT HELPED OTHERS.
"Hi. My name's Findingme, and I'm a codependent who'll say anything for anyone to make them happy. If they're happy, I'm happy, so that's why I'm here today"
I kind of giggled on that one, for it's the truth. Truth is funnier than fiction--for sure. And it was a little stress relief. This is my first day of break, and I'm a little stressed/sad/scared since I've been in spots today where I'm seeing fruits of my fear of failure. And imagining it.
For example, one of our managers, the only woman on the team, is taking me and 2 others out to lunch tomorrow as a thank you for our recent work. I like her since she's not afraid of honesty. I've been imagining what she'll ask and I'm trying (in my thoughts) to be honest. Me doing that is touching me right in my gut, as that is the very thing I've avoided doing most of my life: being honest with myself.
Today this hit me. One of the good temp workers was working with me, and his phone was stolen from his bag by another temp. I was afraid, imagining me being asked all kinds of questions (with me feeling all vulnerable already), and I didn't even report this until the end of the shift. Me even doing that was a gift, for I had just exited the building and was walking toward my van when I realized I'd be up a creek if I didn't report it. So I turned around. It worked out so smoothly, as when I almost spilled out what happened to our lady manager, a veteran worker came in at that moment with the temp whose phone was stolen, and beat me to it. Whew.
My life has a number of things in it, all pointing back to me fearing exposure of the truth, and hiding out from consequences for as long as possible. I'm feeling ashamed since I'm realizing how long I've been doing this, and am afraid I'll have to admit "I was afraid" to people sooner or later. I'm not winning by hiding.
Ok, I wrote not focusing on making others happy with me. Nah, that's Bullshyt. My fear stayed with me. I'm trying not to whine full-time, but this is only 2 cycles of LTU so far. I don't want to stay in this shit, but I do have to walk through it (I think). Yeah, I have to face it; otherwise it'll continue haunting me.
"Hi. My name's Findingme, and I'm a codependent who'll say anything for anyone to make them happy. If they're happy, I'm happy, so that's why I'm here today"
I kind of giggled on that one, for it's the truth. Truth is funnier than fiction--for sure. And it was a little stress relief. This is my first day of break, and I'm a little stressed/sad/scared since I've been in spots today where I'm seeing fruits of my fear of failure. And imagining it.
For example, one of our managers, the only woman on the team, is taking me and 2 others out to lunch tomorrow as a thank you for our recent work. I like her since she's not afraid of honesty. I've been imagining what she'll ask and I'm trying (in my thoughts) to be honest. Me doing that is touching me right in my gut, as that is the very thing I've avoided doing most of my life: being honest with myself.
Today this hit me. One of the good temp workers was working with me, and his phone was stolen from his bag by another temp. I was afraid, imagining me being asked all kinds of questions (with me feeling all vulnerable already), and I didn't even report this until the end of the shift. Me even doing that was a gift, for I had just exited the building and was walking toward my van when I realized I'd be up a creek if I didn't report it. So I turned around. It worked out so smoothly, as when I almost spilled out what happened to our lady manager, a veteran worker came in at that moment with the temp whose phone was stolen, and beat me to it. Whew.
My life has a number of things in it, all pointing back to me fearing exposure of the truth, and hiding out from consequences for as long as possible. I'm feeling ashamed since I'm realizing how long I've been doing this, and am afraid I'll have to admit "I was afraid" to people sooner or later. I'm not winning by hiding.
Ok, I wrote not focusing on making others happy with me. Nah, that's Bullshyt. My fear stayed with me. I'm trying not to whine full-time, but this is only 2 cycles of LTU so far. I don't want to stay in this shit, but I do have to walk through it (I think). Yeah, I have to face it; otherwise it'll continue haunting me.
I want to be FREE!
