04-17-2019, 05:01 PM
***NOTE: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SOME OF MY METAPHYSICAL BELIEFS. THEY'RE JUST MY BELIEFS AND I ONLY MENTION THEM BECAUSE I'M WRESTLING WITH SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS WHICH RELATE TO WHAT E2 IS WORKING ON. TRUTH IS, I DON'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THESE ISSUES, I DON'T EXPECT ANYBODY TO SHARE MY BELIEFS AND I'M REALLY JUST POSTING THIS TO DOCUMENT WHERE I'M AT IN THE MOMENT SO I CAN SEE LATER IF I'VE MADE ANY PROGRESS. THIS IS JUST HOW I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW. I'M HOPING THAT'LL CHANGE AS I CONTINUE TO USE E2, ALTHOUGH TRUTH BE TOLD, I DOUBT IT***
Day 20 pt 2:
So I've been having a pretty good day so far, but I wouldn't know it based on how I'm feeling.
Fact is, I'm weighing suicide in my mind. It's not an easy decision, but I am weighing it. I'm running out of hope to be able to have the life I want. I know if I commit suicide, I'll probably have to reincarnate and I won't remember any of the useful information and knowledge I've gained in this incarnation, but what use do I make of most of it anyway? I'll have to be reborn, experience the same early traumas I've experienced in my early life, and will probably have the same emotional issues. At least that's what I sincerely believe.
On the flip side, there are certain painful memories and facts about this life I'll also conveniently forget. I'll forget all about the friendship breakup and may even have another chance in the next lifetime to set things right with said friend, who knows? I'll get to hit the reset button and get another chance at things. And I believe there will be a lot of healing done between lives to heal me from the pain I've brought upon myself in this one. OR at least, that's what I believe.
So I've been thinking about it. What's my purpose here? Do I even make a difference? I don't feel like this world needs me and what I need, I can't get from it.
Maybe I just need to hit the reset button. I'm really mulling it over. Maybe I can do a better job in my next life at all the things I've irreparably ruined in this one. Or at least won't have to deal with the pain of remembering them.
Then again, if I killed myself it would probably devastate my dad, and I don't want to put him through that, but can I really hold out until he dies? I'm tired of suffering. And I don't think E2 or LTU5 are going to fix what's wrong with me. That doesn't mean I think they'll do nothing, but there's just too much to deal with. It's like I said earlier: trying to clean a filthy crack house with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush.
And some important aspects of my life just feel like they're fucked up beyond all repair. I dunno if I'll ever be able to recover from the friendship breakup. I'm losing hope. And I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the sheer futility of it. And I think to myself "Nothing I ever offered this person was worth anything to them. Not enough to stick around" and that's SO PAINFUL, because while I showed them some bad parts of me, I also showed them the best parts of me. And they decided that the worst of me outweighs the best of me. And it's just so devastating. It's like the best I have to offer isn't worth much. It feels like the best I had to offer was NEVER worth much.
I dunno if E2 or LTU5 can heal all that and even if they can, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE? Because I feel like I can't hold out much longer. Every day I live, I suffer. And I just want the suffering to end. I hate myself and I hate being alive. But if I kill myself, I truly believe I'll probably have no choice but to live again. So would it be worth it? Is forgetting the friendship breakup worth forgetting about everything else? Forgetting about the Law of Attraction, forgetting about The Law of One, forgetting about these subliminals, forgetting the tarot, forgetting astrology, forgetting all the wise advice I've been given, forgetting everything I've learned, or know at least enough about to know that it's worth learning? But have I really learned that much? Do I really make good use of any of it anyway?
I don't know. I feel like I'm running in circles, and I'm so tired of running in the same circles over and over and over and over and over... I'm just so tired of it all. This world doesn't need me and can surely get on without me. Except my dad. What would I be doing to him if I went through with it? Would he possibly be able to understand? Would he blame himself? Can I hold out until he passes? Should I even have to? Is this painful suffering all that's in store for me in this life? Is it selfish to not want to have to suffer for the sake of another? Is it not selfish to expect me to keep suffering so one doesn't feel bad about my loss? I don't know. I don't know. But that's where I'm at here on day 20.
I wonder how much E2 is actually doing? Is it doing anything at all? It's a "work at your own pace" sub. What is my pace unconsciously? I don't know.
People give me all kinds of wise advice that sounds so good, but the truth is, none of that wise advice really gets to me. I'm still suffering. And I still don't know if I'll ever recover.
This post is the closest to actual journalling I think I've ever come to doing. Maybe I should start a journal, like, a real journal. Maybe it'll help me sort things out better. I dunno.
Day 20 pt 2:
So I've been having a pretty good day so far, but I wouldn't know it based on how I'm feeling.
Fact is, I'm weighing suicide in my mind. It's not an easy decision, but I am weighing it. I'm running out of hope to be able to have the life I want. I know if I commit suicide, I'll probably have to reincarnate and I won't remember any of the useful information and knowledge I've gained in this incarnation, but what use do I make of most of it anyway? I'll have to be reborn, experience the same early traumas I've experienced in my early life, and will probably have the same emotional issues. At least that's what I sincerely believe.
On the flip side, there are certain painful memories and facts about this life I'll also conveniently forget. I'll forget all about the friendship breakup and may even have another chance in the next lifetime to set things right with said friend, who knows? I'll get to hit the reset button and get another chance at things. And I believe there will be a lot of healing done between lives to heal me from the pain I've brought upon myself in this one. OR at least, that's what I believe.
So I've been thinking about it. What's my purpose here? Do I even make a difference? I don't feel like this world needs me and what I need, I can't get from it.
Maybe I just need to hit the reset button. I'm really mulling it over. Maybe I can do a better job in my next life at all the things I've irreparably ruined in this one. Or at least won't have to deal with the pain of remembering them.
Then again, if I killed myself it would probably devastate my dad, and I don't want to put him through that, but can I really hold out until he dies? I'm tired of suffering. And I don't think E2 or LTU5 are going to fix what's wrong with me. That doesn't mean I think they'll do nothing, but there's just too much to deal with. It's like I said earlier: trying to clean a filthy crack house with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush.
And some important aspects of my life just feel like they're fucked up beyond all repair. I dunno if I'll ever be able to recover from the friendship breakup. I'm losing hope. And I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the sheer futility of it. And I think to myself "Nothing I ever offered this person was worth anything to them. Not enough to stick around" and that's SO PAINFUL, because while I showed them some bad parts of me, I also showed them the best parts of me. And they decided that the worst of me outweighs the best of me. And it's just so devastating. It's like the best I have to offer isn't worth much. It feels like the best I had to offer was NEVER worth much.
I dunno if E2 or LTU5 can heal all that and even if they can, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE? Because I feel like I can't hold out much longer. Every day I live, I suffer. And I just want the suffering to end. I hate myself and I hate being alive. But if I kill myself, I truly believe I'll probably have no choice but to live again. So would it be worth it? Is forgetting the friendship breakup worth forgetting about everything else? Forgetting about the Law of Attraction, forgetting about The Law of One, forgetting about these subliminals, forgetting the tarot, forgetting astrology, forgetting all the wise advice I've been given, forgetting everything I've learned, or know at least enough about to know that it's worth learning? But have I really learned that much? Do I really make good use of any of it anyway?
I don't know. I feel like I'm running in circles, and I'm so tired of running in the same circles over and over and over and over and over... I'm just so tired of it all. This world doesn't need me and can surely get on without me. Except my dad. What would I be doing to him if I went through with it? Would he possibly be able to understand? Would he blame himself? Can I hold out until he passes? Should I even have to? Is this painful suffering all that's in store for me in this life? Is it selfish to not want to have to suffer for the sake of another? Is it not selfish to expect me to keep suffering so one doesn't feel bad about my loss? I don't know. I don't know. But that's where I'm at here on day 20.
I wonder how much E2 is actually doing? Is it doing anything at all? It's a "work at your own pace" sub. What is my pace unconsciously? I don't know.
People give me all kinds of wise advice that sounds so good, but the truth is, none of that wise advice really gets to me. I'm still suffering. And I still don't know if I'll ever recover.
This post is the closest to actual journalling I think I've ever come to doing. Maybe I should start a journal, like, a real journal. Maybe it'll help me sort things out better. I dunno.
