(04-15-2019, 04:29 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Im sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now.
To both of you:
I'm not sorry I'm going through this. Seriously. Not at all. This is why I'm using LTU, to finally let go of stuff. Honest crying is letting go of old stuff.
I have a growing piece of joy inside me right now, as I've waited for decades to let this stuff go.
When I began writing in my prior post, I could only identify regret. My feelings were too jumbled to see a root, but my feelings said I was getting close. By the end of my post, I was seeing a root and reason, and I cried heavily. I tried stifling it to "think" it through.....but that was just avoiding the pain. Yeah, I tried. Old habits. When I got in bed two hours later, I resumed crying. I needed that.
The root is I've felt like a failure all my life since I couldn't make my alcoholic mother happy while growing up. And "facts" don't help here. How would a child know it wasn't his fault? I didn't, and I've been stuck there. This affects EVERY part of my life: every relationship (or LACK of, purposefully), every job choice and decision, my decisions to NOT socialize........every damn thing, everyday. Feeling like a failure....damn.... everywhere I look I foresee some failure, a pain which I avoid each and every day. Me using E2 long-term relieved me of some daily pain and fear, but it didn't dig up the root. I had not seen USLM4 in my LTU run so far, but........something is moving now.
I'd rather be here healing ANY day vs. sitting in old beliefs and revisiting the same emotions and thoughts. That's recycling my misery. Hell no. I'd rather be HERE.
THANK YOU Shannon!
