Hello, DMSI journal!
For those following this journal, I moved to LTU5 and have been journalling that. In my last post I was hoping that it would be kinder to me, and I was wondering what the "improve your love life" module would do.
So, it's been kinder. Sleep isn't a lot better, but I am sitting in my body more, and while I'm wobbling between grief and being OK, it's not as bad as how DMSI was crushing me. The love life module is not showing up, but that's not unexpected.
The reason I'm exhuming this thread is because I posted a reply about existential terror, and I was thinking about it in relation to sex.
I'm thinking that my subconscious's strong reaction to DMSI is because of the existential terror.
I'm not a virgin. I've had sex a few times, but every time I've done so I've felt disconnected. I've never been able to lose myself in the moment; I've always been extremely conscious about what I'm doing, what her reaction is, am I bringing her pleasure. Being with someone has always felt like I have to manage what's going on, and sex is more of the same.
One of the reasons I was drawn to DMSI was that I'm scared of relating to people. I don't have many friends, and I'm anxious about what it means to be in a friendship, and what they're expecting. I don't have a lot of sexual experience, and being in a relationship with a woman is terrifying, the idea of locking myself into a connection with expectations that I am not sure I can fulfil. So DMSI was all, "hey, have sex with hot women who are in it for the sex and not the relationship".
But having sex with hot women is even more terrifying. What are their expectations? With the women I've been with, who've been of moderate attractiveness, I couldn't get into my body very well, but at least I had somewhat of a pleasurable time. If I'm with a hot woman, I'm wondering if the concern is that my sheer arousal will pull me into my body, and into a space of terror. After having sex one time I fell into a space of deep grief; hitting a space of terror seems quite plausible an outcome.
Which is why I'm not sure if DMSI is right for me. Either I won't be enjoying myself, or I'll likely fall into a space of terror and have the women be scared by my reaction. I started DMSI in the hope that it would be healing to my self image ("oh, look at all of these hot women who want me; I must be good") but now I wonder to what extent I need to heal before using DMSI would even be possible.
For those following this journal, I moved to LTU5 and have been journalling that. In my last post I was hoping that it would be kinder to me, and I was wondering what the "improve your love life" module would do.
So, it's been kinder. Sleep isn't a lot better, but I am sitting in my body more, and while I'm wobbling between grief and being OK, it's not as bad as how DMSI was crushing me. The love life module is not showing up, but that's not unexpected.
The reason I'm exhuming this thread is because I posted a reply about existential terror, and I was thinking about it in relation to sex.
I'm thinking that my subconscious's strong reaction to DMSI is because of the existential terror.
I'm not a virgin. I've had sex a few times, but every time I've done so I've felt disconnected. I've never been able to lose myself in the moment; I've always been extremely conscious about what I'm doing, what her reaction is, am I bringing her pleasure. Being with someone has always felt like I have to manage what's going on, and sex is more of the same.
One of the reasons I was drawn to DMSI was that I'm scared of relating to people. I don't have many friends, and I'm anxious about what it means to be in a friendship, and what they're expecting. I don't have a lot of sexual experience, and being in a relationship with a woman is terrifying, the idea of locking myself into a connection with expectations that I am not sure I can fulfil. So DMSI was all, "hey, have sex with hot women who are in it for the sex and not the relationship".
But having sex with hot women is even more terrifying. What are their expectations? With the women I've been with, who've been of moderate attractiveness, I couldn't get into my body very well, but at least I had somewhat of a pleasurable time. If I'm with a hot woman, I'm wondering if the concern is that my sheer arousal will pull me into my body, and into a space of terror. After having sex one time I fell into a space of deep grief; hitting a space of terror seems quite plausible an outcome.
Which is why I'm not sure if DMSI is right for me. Either I won't be enjoying myself, or I'll likely fall into a space of terror and have the women be scared by my reaction. I started DMSI in the hope that it would be healing to my self image ("oh, look at all of these hot women who want me; I must be good") but now I wonder to what extent I need to heal before using DMSI would even be possible.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
