whome's LTU5 journal

[whome]

I wanted to ask about your 'existential terror'. have you thought about it much and made any steps to deal with it, or is it just something that comes up when on drugs?

Hey!

While the existential terror hits super hard when I'm on drugs, it's not restricted to it. A few days ago I did an upgrade of my Quicken, and the idea that I was locking myself into it brought me into a space of terror. I can think of another time when I was with a somatic healer, I was super exhausted, and I felt into my body, and went into that space. It pretty reliably happens when I do drugs, which is why I stopped trying to use drugs as a healing modality, but it's not exclusive to that.

Dealing with it can mean different things. In the moments when it happens, there's not much I can do to deal with it, just sit and push myself back into my head and out of my body. It's kinda funny (in the ironic sense) that the usual recommendation is "feel into your body; are you safe in this moment?" and feeling into my body is what triggers me. Quite a few times, the statement "feel into your body; you're safe, and everything is OK" just triggers the terror more, as the answer to that is a realization of "no, nothing is safe and everything is not OK at all". There's a reason I don't meditate and tend to not do things that put me in my body; it makes things much, much worse.

And I'm not sure what steps I could take to take to deal with it on the larger scale. The usual recommendations don't work, which is why I'm going non-traditional. I'm doing LTU, I'm doing cuddling sessions, I'm working with an energy healer. Are they helping? I think so. My body buzz means that I'm feeling my body, and while I'm being hit with the grief and terror, there are swaths of time that I'm not.

I have some thoughts about sex and my existential terror, so I'm gonna dig up my DMSI journal and post there.

[Edit: the post in my DMSI journal.]