Shannon's LTU5 Thread

[Shannon]

Any Updates on your LTU journey? Buddy

Well there are definitely things being worked on.  I can feel my fears ebbing and flowing as they are worked on.  The other day I went to a lighthouse and I was on the outer ring at the top, 150 feet up.  Nothing but an inch of metal holding me up, and what was holding that up?  The guy at the top, tour guide, told me it was designed to hold 10 tons, which made me feel better, but still... I was a little nervous.  I didn't feel that fear of heights this much when I went ziplining.

I also notice that my house is becoming more cluttered, which is of course reverse resistance to the de-clutter module.  I have determined that the clutter is my subconscious/inner child holding onto an association to my mother, which it connects with clutter because my mother always required me to clean as "my job" when I was growing up, but then she wanted me to clean her way.  She was a packrat, and clutter drove (and still drives) me nuts.  She would read novel after noven and then stack them on the end tables, and fill bookcases and everything with these books and clutter, and when I would actually clean (get rid of this clutter), she would literally flip out.  So the end result was, I refused to clean (because when I actually did, she got mad) and so did she ("because that's your job, Shannon").  But she would continue to create clutter.

A while ago I tried to create a de-clutter sub and run it and it made me very depressed for three days before I finally had a dream that explained this association to me.  That part of me was thinking I wanted to "get rid of my mother" by de-cluttering.  So I am guessing that the FRM etc. is working on making the de-clutter happen, but that part of me isn't ready to let go of this association yet.

More and more I am getting frustrated at the conscious level with this clutter, though, and at the same time I feel lethargic about it.  Definitely a conflict going on.

I find in general that I feel slightly tired all the time while I am on, and on the 2nd day of rest I feel back to normal.  The timing of the on to off must be right, because it's just enough rest to keep going.

In general, I find that this program is working well to push gf past her desires to give up in the face of challenge.  I can't tell if it's resistance or what, but USLM4 in the script doesn't seem to be working for her as well as it is for me.  This makes me think it is resistance, and probably a fear of success.  Whatever the case is, I see her going through ever shortening cycles of resistance, frustration, complaining, depression, and the resolving to keep going anyway.  I think soon enough we will just get to the point where it's only a dogged determination to keep going left.  Her depressive episodes in general are much less frequent, much less bad and much shorter. 

Overall, LTU5 is definitely working on us, but some parts of its job are not easy to accomplish.  I think it's just a matter of time and working through these things.  This part isn't the most easy or fun part, but I do see progress being made regardless.  I do wish I could run USLM4, though.