04-08-2019, 06:21 PM
Day 11: Not feeling good today. I feel down. I feel very dissatisfied with my life and I feel like nothing I do will make it better, but that even if there is something I could do, I'm very dissatisfied with it and with myself at the current moment.
I'm trying to live in the present, and I feel very uncomfortable doing that. It's hard to put. But there's a very uneasy feeling when I try to live in the present. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed, much less doing anything else. I know there's a better way to live day to day, but I don't look forward to any of it. It's like... the thought of truly BEING HERE in this life, and being active in it... I don't like it. And I don't look forward to it. It's like all I want to do is be unconscious. I never like waking up.
I wonder when I'll start feeling the effects of this subliminal? Maybe I already am feeling them and I just don't know it. Still, I don't feel very good today... I feel like such a mess. Like even E2 won't be enough to fix whatever's wrong with me. Or like there's so much mess to clean up, it's like trying to clean a filthy crackhouse with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush. I dunno, maybe I'm underestimating the sub and what it can do. That's just how it FEELS, not necessarily how it is. It just FEELS that way sometimes. Hopefully, these feelings are far from accurate.
Today is DEFINITELY not a good day for me. Although if it were, that would be even more depressing.
I'm trying to live in the present, and I feel very uncomfortable doing that. It's hard to put. But there's a very uneasy feeling when I try to live in the present. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed, much less doing anything else. I know there's a better way to live day to day, but I don't look forward to any of it. It's like... the thought of truly BEING HERE in this life, and being active in it... I don't like it. And I don't look forward to it. It's like all I want to do is be unconscious. I never like waking up.
I wonder when I'll start feeling the effects of this subliminal? Maybe I already am feeling them and I just don't know it. Still, I don't feel very good today... I feel like such a mess. Like even E2 won't be enough to fix whatever's wrong with me. Or like there's so much mess to clean up, it's like trying to clean a filthy crackhouse with shit smeared all over the walls using nothing but a toothbrush. I dunno, maybe I'm underestimating the sub and what it can do. That's just how it FEELS, not necessarily how it is. It just FEELS that way sometimes. Hopefully, these feelings are far from accurate.
Today is DEFINITELY not a good day for me. Although if it were, that would be even more depressing.
