04-06-2019, 09:42 AM
Day 9, I think:
I'm feeling alright today, and in fact, I've noticed that lately, I am WAY less bothered by things like my friendship breakup or the issues my mentor has with me. I still feel a little bit of negative emotions when I think about it, but I mostly don't think about it.
I DO notice though that I have a tendency (and this is nothing new) to sleep or distract myself on my laptop all day, instead of doing things I need to do. For some reason, I have a real resistance to doing them. Thing is, I don't even enjoy myself on the computer and don't do anything in particular. I am DELIBERATELY looking for ways to be distracted, even though they're not particularly interesting or fun. This is a pretty common thing for people to do, but I do it even more so than most. And if I'm not able to distract myself on the computer, I tend to just sleep, even if I'm already feeling well rested. And I sleep all day, ironically making me tired due to sleep drunkenness.
I'm wondering what's at the core of this behaviour... Why do I have such a problem with getting up and actually DOING stuff I need to do? Why am I so resistant to it? Is there some sort of underlying fear that causes this resistance? Or is it just plain laziness? I think there's more to it than laziness, but I don't know what. MY mentor theorizes that due to some sort of buried early trauma, I don't want to be fully present or fully commit to life, choosing instead to live in a half-living "zombie-like" state, because back when the trauma occurred, I got the sense that life in this world is threatening. I'm not sure of his theory, but I DO get the sense that there's SOMETHING behind it.
Eventually, I intend to get LTU5 (once I can afford it) and hopefully the FRM will help me with this issue.
I'm feeling alright today, and in fact, I've noticed that lately, I am WAY less bothered by things like my friendship breakup or the issues my mentor has with me. I still feel a little bit of negative emotions when I think about it, but I mostly don't think about it.
I DO notice though that I have a tendency (and this is nothing new) to sleep or distract myself on my laptop all day, instead of doing things I need to do. For some reason, I have a real resistance to doing them. Thing is, I don't even enjoy myself on the computer and don't do anything in particular. I am DELIBERATELY looking for ways to be distracted, even though they're not particularly interesting or fun. This is a pretty common thing for people to do, but I do it even more so than most. And if I'm not able to distract myself on the computer, I tend to just sleep, even if I'm already feeling well rested. And I sleep all day, ironically making me tired due to sleep drunkenness.
I'm wondering what's at the core of this behaviour... Why do I have such a problem with getting up and actually DOING stuff I need to do? Why am I so resistant to it? Is there some sort of underlying fear that causes this resistance? Or is it just plain laziness? I think there's more to it than laziness, but I don't know what. MY mentor theorizes that due to some sort of buried early trauma, I don't want to be fully present or fully commit to life, choosing instead to live in a half-living "zombie-like" state, because back when the trauma occurred, I got the sense that life in this world is threatening. I'm not sure of his theory, but I DO get the sense that there's SOMETHING behind it.
Eventually, I intend to get LTU5 (once I can afford it) and hopefully the FRM will help me with this issue.
