Day 33
I go to an acroyoga class on Tuesday nights. It's the beginner class, and I go there because I'm not really good with being in my body. The class is slow, I know about 90% of what's in there, and it's a physical activity that I can do and feel OK with.
That class ended three days ago. The studio is dropping its acroyoga schedule from three classes a week down to one, and the one remaining class is the combined levels 1-2 class.
I went last night. The teacher from the beginner class was there as a student to transition anyone who wanted a friendly face. The class chugged along much faster than the beginner class, and at the end, my quiet unsettledness had developed into significant grief, to the point where my voice was breaking and I was at the edge of tears. I sat and talked with the beginner teacher for a while until the grief subsided.
This morning I felt grief as well, at a level that was noticeable during cuddling.
---
Years ago I did ketamine for depression, but stopped when I started energy healing. I've never felt that things were getting bad enough to go back to the ketamine during those years. And yet, this morning I felt so bad that I'm seriously thinking about getting an infusion to help with the pain and grief. And there was a second time, maybe a few weeks ago, where things were so bad that again I was thinking about it. Given the timing, it's hard to rule out LTU.
When I tried DMSI, I was hit with both bad sleep and being emotionally shot to the point where I just could not continue. I jumped to LTU5 with the hope that it would have a positive effect. So far, the part that I've noticed the most is the exhaustion when I wake on days that I listen to LTU. That's been explained as being my subconscious fighting back. Fine. But it seems like the grief and emotional pain that I've been feeling are also related to the LTU. If that's explained as also my subconscious fighting back, OK, but that doesn't really change anything.
I quit DMSI out of self-preservation, that I wasn't strong enough to fight my way through the resistance. With LTU, I thought the resistance was just the sleep, but if it's also wrecking my emotional state, then that's a real problem.
I'm not sure what the right way forward here is. Stop LTU and allow my emotional state to recover? That feels a bit like surrender. Do ketamine again? On one hand that would weaken the ability for the subconscious to fight back, but on the other hand, having been off ketamine for so long, it feels like a failure and a step back.
[Edit: Another reason that I'd prefer to avoid ketamine is that when I'm in that dissociative state, I nearly always end up in a state of sheer existential terror. The last time I was doing it, the doses were 50mg and they put me in that terror state for 2 hours, for relief that only lasted four or five weeks. My brother's mother-in-law runs a clinic that I could go to when I go back home, and her patients go for months between doses, but her dosing is significantly higher. I'm used to surviving that terror to come out the other side in a better emotional space, but when every session is pure terror for hours, it's hard to want to do it.]
Sigh.
I go to an acroyoga class on Tuesday nights. It's the beginner class, and I go there because I'm not really good with being in my body. The class is slow, I know about 90% of what's in there, and it's a physical activity that I can do and feel OK with.
That class ended three days ago. The studio is dropping its acroyoga schedule from three classes a week down to one, and the one remaining class is the combined levels 1-2 class.
I went last night. The teacher from the beginner class was there as a student to transition anyone who wanted a friendly face. The class chugged along much faster than the beginner class, and at the end, my quiet unsettledness had developed into significant grief, to the point where my voice was breaking and I was at the edge of tears. I sat and talked with the beginner teacher for a while until the grief subsided.
This morning I felt grief as well, at a level that was noticeable during cuddling.
---
Years ago I did ketamine for depression, but stopped when I started energy healing. I've never felt that things were getting bad enough to go back to the ketamine during those years. And yet, this morning I felt so bad that I'm seriously thinking about getting an infusion to help with the pain and grief. And there was a second time, maybe a few weeks ago, where things were so bad that again I was thinking about it. Given the timing, it's hard to rule out LTU.
When I tried DMSI, I was hit with both bad sleep and being emotionally shot to the point where I just could not continue. I jumped to LTU5 with the hope that it would have a positive effect. So far, the part that I've noticed the most is the exhaustion when I wake on days that I listen to LTU. That's been explained as being my subconscious fighting back. Fine. But it seems like the grief and emotional pain that I've been feeling are also related to the LTU. If that's explained as also my subconscious fighting back, OK, but that doesn't really change anything.
I quit DMSI out of self-preservation, that I wasn't strong enough to fight my way through the resistance. With LTU, I thought the resistance was just the sleep, but if it's also wrecking my emotional state, then that's a real problem.
I'm not sure what the right way forward here is. Stop LTU and allow my emotional state to recover? That feels a bit like surrender. Do ketamine again? On one hand that would weaken the ability for the subconscious to fight back, but on the other hand, having been off ketamine for so long, it feels like a failure and a step back.
[Edit: Another reason that I'd prefer to avoid ketamine is that when I'm in that dissociative state, I nearly always end up in a state of sheer existential terror. The last time I was doing it, the doses were 50mg and they put me in that terror state for 2 hours, for relief that only lasted four or five weeks. My brother's mother-in-law runs a clinic that I could go to when I go back home, and her patients go for months between doses, but her dosing is significantly higher. I'm used to surviving that terror to come out the other side in a better emotional space, but when every session is pure terror for hours, it's hard to want to do it.]
Sigh.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
