I'm in that spot I've read about recently, and it's similar to my beginning days on UD. I'm disgusted with myself. Every single time I want to write I look for a mask to wear, and this is who I am currently. Running day 4 loops presently, and I find it much easier to find grief than find happiness. Well, correcting that I'll say I can find "excitement", but that's a mix of fear and hope mixed, so it's not desirable.
Hours ago my mind got stimulated, and I imagined writing here freely. But I stopped myself a couple of times in my mental movie. I asked "is this me?" I couldn't say yes either time. I know one time I was excitedly saying agreeable, funny, interesting things. I was living off of other's acceptance. I see, now, that it's a fear driven race which can be halted or derailed at any given time for any reason at all.
And I feel like me more now that I've been honest. I can be me now.
This is what it felt like near the end of my UD solo run. I can do this. Peace
UD is in LTU. I knew something would come up. For now, I'll sit with this. Peace feels good.
Hours ago my mind got stimulated, and I imagined writing here freely. But I stopped myself a couple of times in my mental movie. I asked "is this me?" I couldn't say yes either time. I know one time I was excitedly saying agreeable, funny, interesting things. I was living off of other's acceptance. I see, now, that it's a fear driven race which can be halted or derailed at any given time for any reason at all.
And I feel like me more now that I've been honest. I can be me now.
This is what it felt like near the end of my UD solo run. I can do this. Peace
UD is in LTU. I knew something would come up. For now, I'll sit with this. Peace feels good.
I want to be FREE!
