Some Kind of Journal - Random Thoughts

[Shawn]

Not that much to report. In the last time I often woke up too early and couldn't fall asleep anymore, so I was tired most of the time. But the sleep quality itself for the time I sleep still seems to be okay. I notice that the sub is trying to keep me in an awake state (during the day), but underneath I noticed on several days some kind of deep exhaustion. In regard to women nothing seem have changed. There are still women who seem to find my somehow creepy or something. Today in the train after sitting down I looked around and noticed a woman sitting on the other side. The moment I noticed her she immediately gave me a roll-eyes reaction and put also her jacket on and covered her breasts even if I didn't really had a chance to look at her before. It's not that every woman gives me such reactions but it seems to increase at the one side and on the other side I don't really notice much of positive reactions. I have been thinking about it why this happens and I come to the conclusion that it isn't even a typical reverse execution reaction, what really happens here is that some of my biggest fears are getting manifested here. Why do I think so? Well, one of the biggest fears in regard to DMSI I have and I am aware of is that I fear that women might see me as creepy if I show (sexual) interest towards a woman. And what happens here? Pretty much exact what I fear most. Similar was happening on USLM, especially v2, v1B and 3 with higher number of loops. Not in regard to women, but my biggest fear in regard to the goal of the sub in general is that every time I get lucky I have to pay for at some point (by having bad luck). And what happened? Exactly that. So I don't know if these fears maybe need some room to being expressed but if should be the case - and I am not sure that this is the case - it would be good if they could be expressed/made aware of in a less dramatic way without derailing what the sub is going to do. So far for now.