02-05-2019, 09:57 AM
Actually, more on suffering.
A few years ago, I noticed that the self-hatred part of me encouraged me to let myself suffer. They are tied together; physical discomfort comes together with emotional pain and feelings of worthlessness.
So I decided that, as an act of self-love, I would not allow myself to suffer. That I wouldn't consider it "noble" or "what I deserved". That's when I started getting the ketamine treatments. I've since stopped with those, but at the time the shutting off of the emotional pain and stopping the suffering was one of the biggest gifts I ever gave myself.
So, DMSI.
I'm finding that when I do 8 loops overnight, I sleep so poorly that I have to classify it as suffering. While I understand the reaction of "it's resistance so don't let it make you stop", I can't agree. The fact that I have to choose between my own health and doing DMSI only hammers home the point.
I can hear some of you say "don't let your subconscious win!" The harsh reality is that it's shown me that it already has. It owns me. I'm its bitch. Attacking it head-on in a way that has it cause me suffering is something that I will not do. I can allow suffering for a limited time for the greater good. But something like this, where I will be suffering into the future for who-knows-how-long? No.
So my plan is to take a break from DMSI until I'm well. At that point, I will be trying approaches to DMSI that break ASRB. Maybe three loops at night and then five loops during the day. If that still causes my subconscious to hurt me, I will break the instructions and do fewer loops, to find the level at which I can run the sub without getting hurt. I know that it won't provide optimal feedback for @Shannon but I hope that he can get some useful feedback.
I'm aware that this may cause some of you to think less of me. That I'm not tough enough to stick it through, that I owe it to Shannon and you (and myself) to keep going no matter what. You know what? I'm OK with you thinking less of me. But I am choosing to not suffer, and right now that's all that matters.
A few years ago, I noticed that the self-hatred part of me encouraged me to let myself suffer. They are tied together; physical discomfort comes together with emotional pain and feelings of worthlessness.
So I decided that, as an act of self-love, I would not allow myself to suffer. That I wouldn't consider it "noble" or "what I deserved". That's when I started getting the ketamine treatments. I've since stopped with those, but at the time the shutting off of the emotional pain and stopping the suffering was one of the biggest gifts I ever gave myself.
So, DMSI.
I'm finding that when I do 8 loops overnight, I sleep so poorly that I have to classify it as suffering. While I understand the reaction of "it's resistance so don't let it make you stop", I can't agree. The fact that I have to choose between my own health and doing DMSI only hammers home the point.
I can hear some of you say "don't let your subconscious win!" The harsh reality is that it's shown me that it already has. It owns me. I'm its bitch. Attacking it head-on in a way that has it cause me suffering is something that I will not do. I can allow suffering for a limited time for the greater good. But something like this, where I will be suffering into the future for who-knows-how-long? No.
So my plan is to take a break from DMSI until I'm well. At that point, I will be trying approaches to DMSI that break ASRB. Maybe three loops at night and then five loops during the day. If that still causes my subconscious to hurt me, I will break the instructions and do fewer loops, to find the level at which I can run the sub without getting hurt. I know that it won't provide optimal feedback for @Shannon but I hope that he can get some useful feedback.
I'm aware that this may cause some of you to think less of me. That I'm not tough enough to stick it through, that I owe it to Shannon and you (and myself) to keep going no matter what. You know what? I'm OK with you thinking less of me. But I am choosing to not suffer, and right now that's all that matters.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
